TRANSPLANT FIVE (of ten) – The Metaphor

In planning this trip, I ended up exhausted by the amount of research required, and convinced that I had made a dozen serious errors. On Sunday, my first full day here, the apartment seemed to be awkwardly located off to one side of a Business Center that had a number of restaurants offering lunch on weekdays, and nothing much of anything else. While the walk to the clinic seemed doable, I couldn’t grasp traipsing it every day. There didn’t seem to be anything local by way of normal services – at all. Of course, five days later I’ve discovered a lot. In fact, apartment, location, services, are – for my current purposes – all perfect. And the apartment I found in Vienna for next weekend, which I somehow thought was 10 kilometers from the center, is 5 minutes by subway. It is also easily reached from places in Bratislava I already know, so next Friday’s “move” won’t be difficult either.

All that is colored by one overriding factor, of course; that Ivanna’s assessment of how things will progress is accurate.

You may have noticed that I have been in search of a metaphor for this process. Metaphors are useful in that they can provide a familiar context for something totally unfamiliar. But they are not predictors. I can’t choose a model and expect it to apply next time I look. Ivanna said, un-metaphorically, that during the first 5 to 8 days, symptoms may vacillate between more pronounced and almost gone, and with a higher contrast between extremes even than those usually exhibited by PD. I have to embrace that, and all observations need to be nested in that reality.

So, for example, my right arm was not trembling yesterday except when I lay on my right side. It swung liberally and in tune to my gait while walking. Today, after Nap One, it trembled in a number of positions, except when I lay on my right side, and was looser in general but the lovely near-strut of yesterday was absent. Since lunch it has been quiet again.

This morning, all of the muscle-clenching symptoms were essentially gone. This afternoon they are back, albeit at a less clenched level.

However. I got out of bed today without have to strategize how to accomplish it, and it occurred so naturally that I was halfway to the bathroom before I realized what had happened. And. A bit later I was able to get up from this sofa – as low and as soft as a good love song – without the effort turning into a circus act. I was likewise in the kitchen before it hit me how easy it had been.

On the other hand, I’ve felt what I call “goofy” all day. It has been the case for months that between breakfast and my morning walk, I feel the goofiest, but this morning’s goof was the most pronounced I remember it ever being, and the walk did not fully resolve it.

So, the pattern is?

Years ago I saw an aerial photo in Life Magazine of a five-point Boson intersection during rush hour. The picture was cropped so we could not see where the cars were coming from or going to, but among the 100 or so pictured, no two of them were pointed in the same direction. In one of these posts, I suggested a Boston rush hour as a possible metaphor. If I decide to choose one, I think that will be it.

I told Ivanna about the gettings up this morning. She was thrilled.

– That you’re having such a good sign, so early, even if it doesn’t repeat for a few days, it is wonderful.

– And yesterday that dark sample wiped me out.

– It what?

– Laid me flat. Smacked me down.

– I’m sorry?

– Made me very, very tired.

– Also a good sign. Your body is being receptive to this, is working hard. Be good to it, rest.

A couple of weeks ago, Janette advised me by email not to plan touristic things during treatments. Perhaps what she meant to say was – it will be impossible to do anything but eat, sleep, and bathe, so don’t even think about it.

I asked Ivanna this morning how samples are chosen each day. Well, it’s simple. The clinic they order from sends packages. So for instance, a ten-implant package for nervous system disorders, a five-day package for digestive problems, etc. She just opens the next one in line, and by patient report has formed theories, such as noticing that the very dark samples tend to engender stronger responses. Yesterday’s was cioccolato molto fondente. Today, the well-used leather of a man’s belt. Yesterday’s knocked me out. Today; so far pretty powerful, too. I’ve napped for a total of three hours since noon, and it’s only five o’clock.

The weekend is off. I’m hoping to get into Old Town, and hoping I feel up to it. If I do, I’ll tell you all about it. If not, I’ll tell you about “My Bratislava”. Not quite as exciting, but just in case you never make it here, yourself.

* * *

TRAPIANTO CINQUE (di dieci) – La metafora

Nel pianificare questo viaggio, alla fine ero stancatissimo dalla quantità di ricerche e convinto di aver commesso una dozzina di errori gravi. Domenica, il mio primo giorno intero qui, l’appartamento sembrava essere situato in una posizione scomoda a fianco di un Business Center che aveva alcuni ristoranti che offrivano il pranzo nei giorni feriali e nient’altro. Mentre la passeggiata per la clinica sembrava fattibile, non potevo afferrarla ogni giorno. Sembrava che non ci fosse nulla di locale a livello di negozi normali – affatto. Ma, cinque giorni dopo ho scoperto molto. In effetti, appartamento, posizione, negozi, sono – per i miei scopi attuali – tutto perfetto. E l’appartamento che ho trovato a Vienna per il prossimo fine settimana, che in qualche modo pensavo fosse a 10 chilometri dal centro, è a 5 minuti di metropolitana. È anche facilmente raggiungibile da luoghi a Bratislava che già conosco, quindi anche la traslocazione di venerdì prossimo non sarà difficile.

Tutto ciò che è colorato da un fattore prevalente, ovviamente; che la valutazione di Ivanna su come andranno il percorso dei trattamenti è accurata.

Potresti aver notato che sono stato alla ricerca di una metafora per questo processo. Le metafore sono utili in quanto possono fornire un contesto familiare a qualcosa di totalmente sconosciuto. Ma non sono profetiche. Non riesco a scegliere un modello e mi aspetto che venga applicato la prossima volta che guardo. Ivanna ha detto, non metaforicamente, che durante i primi 5-8 giorni, i sintomi possono vacillare tra più notevoli e quasi scomparsi, e con un contrasto più elevato tra gli estremi anche di quanto sia normalmente mostrato dal PD. Devo abbracciarlo e tutte le osservazioni devono essere bassati in quella realtà.

Quindi, per esempio, ieri il mio braccio destro non tremava, tranne quando mi stendevo sulla destra. Oscillava liberamente e in sintonia con la mia andatura mentre camminavo. Oggi, dopo Pisolino Uno, ha tremato in diverse posizioni, tranne quando mi sono sdraiato sulla mia destra, ed è stato più libero in generale, ma il bel puntone di ieri era assente nella camminata di oggi. Da pranzo è stato di nuovo tranquillo.

Questa mattina, tutti i sintomi di contrazione dei muscoli erano praticamente spariti. Oggi pomeriggio sono tornati, anche se ad un livello meno stretto.

Però. Oggi mi sono alzato dal letto senza dover pianificare le strategie per realizzarlo, ed è accaduto così naturalmente che ero a metà strada del bagno prima di rendermi conto di quello che era successo. E. Poco dopo sono stato in grado di alzarmi da questo divano – basso e morbido come una buona canzone d’amore – senza lo sforzo di trasformarmi in un atto circense. Ero anche in cucina prima che mi colpisse quanto fosse stato facile.

D’altra parte, ho sentito quello che chiamo “goffo ” tutto il giorno. È stato per mesi il caso che tra la colazione e la mia passeggiata mattutina mi senta il più goffo, ma il goffo di questa mattina è stato il più pronunciato che io abbia mai ricordato, e la camminata non l’ha risolto del tutto.

Quindi, lo schema è?

Anni fa ho visto una foto aero in Life Magazine di un incrocio delle cinque strade durante l’ora di punta a Boston. L’immagine è stata ritagliata in modo da non poter vedere da dove venissero o arrivassero le macchine, ma tra le circa 100 nella foto, nessuna di esse era puntata nella stessa direzione. In uno di questi post ho citato l’ora di punta di Boston come possibile metafora. Se decido di accontentarmene, penso che sarà così.

Ho detto a Ivanna come sono alzarmi stamattina. Era elettrizzata.

– Che tu abbia un buon segno, così presto, anche se non si ripete per alcuni giorni, è meraviglioso.

– E ieri quel campione oscuro mi ha spazzato via.

– E cosa?

– Mi ha lasciato piatto. Mi ha colpito.

– Mi dispiace?

– Mi ha fatto molto, molto stanco.

– Anche un buon segno. Il tuo organismo è ricettivo a questo, sta lavorando sodo. Sii buono, riposa.

Un paio di settimane fa, Janette mi ha avvisato via e-mail di non pianificare cose turistiche durante i trattamenti. Forse quello che intendeva dire era : sarà impossibile fare altro che mangiare, dormire e fare il bagno, quindi non ci pensare nemmeno.

Stamattina ho chiesto a Ivanna come vengono scelti i campioni ogni giorno. Bene, è semplice. La clinica da cui ordinano invia pacchi. Quindi, ad esempio, un pacchetto di dieci impianti per disturbi del sistema nervoso, un pacchetto di cinque giorni per problemi digestivi, ecc. Apre solo il successivo nella coda e, secondo la relazione del paziente, ha formulato teorie, come notare che i campioni molto scuri tendono a generare risposte più forti. Ieri è stato cioccolato molto fondente. Oggi, la pelle ben usata della cintura di un uomo. Ieri mi ha messo fuori combattimento. Oggi, finora, anche abbastanza potente. Ho riposato per un totale di tre ore da mezzogiorno, e sono solo le cinque.

Al fine settimana sono libero. Spero di entrare nel centro storico e spero di sentirmi all’altezza. Se lo faccio, ti racconterò tutto. In caso contrario, ti parlerò di “My Bratislava”. Non altrettanto entusiasmante, ma nel caso in cui non lo fai mai qui, tu stesso.

TRANSPLANT FOUR (of ten) – The Highs & Lows

– Warning, Cue Right Arm Tension and Tremor, on a five day fade to black.

– Warned, thank you.

– Standby, Cue RATT five day count.

– Standing by.

– Go, Cue RATT, one, two, three, four…

To be continued.

That, perhaps unfounded, bit of optimism is brought to you by my walk home. My right arm swung vigorously with my gait, not in spite of it. That hasn’t happened in quite a while.

Last night a penny possibly dropped. Maybe – when Ivanna said things will get worse, and things will get better – maybe she didn’t just mean I would experience the usual vagaries of PD writ large. Maybe she meant that symptoms, all of them, and general lousy state of being, would grow more pronounced at first, for similar reasons as to why I’m so tired and hungry. I asked for clarification.

– Well, both really. The changes you experience with PD will continue and may become exaggerated during the first few days.

– A lot of my symptoms seem less pronounced since Monday evening, I said hopefully. Except that I’m always tired and hungry, and very, very… And here I demonstrated what I had no word for, at least one I was confident she’d understand, by walking as if I were on the high seas during turbulent weather.

– Everyone is different, but yes, that can happen.

She again summarized a likely timeline. Some improvement may be noticed after the fifth or sixth implant, and that arc of improvement usually continues for up to three months, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. She backed that up with physiological data, but this guy was tired and hungry. I understood more than yesterday, but can’t repeat it except to say it has to do with the body’s adjusting to the foreign (even if beneficial) microbiome.

Yesterday morning right after rising, I had a bowel movement – three or four days ahead of Ivanna’s stated schedule. I told her about it with some trepidation.

– Good work! she said. I declined to take credit.

She lead me to a chart with delicately drawn representations of human excrement in various form and color. The chart’s title shouts, in English, “What Is Being Made by Your Child?”

– Which one?

– Color or shape?

– Mostly shape, but I’d like to know about color, too.

I pointed to number four for shape, then decided the color was also pretty accurate, so I pointed again.

– Good work! she said. Feeling at this juncture a bit under pressure, I mumbled a thank you.

We went on to the treatment. After asking the usual questions about comfort and pressure, she noted,

– It’s very dark today.

– You mean it’s cloudy?

– What?

– The weather?

– No, the transplant is almost black, see?

And she showed me what remained at the neck of the syringe.

– When it is dark like this, it is often very potent. I don’t know if that’s because of a particular donor, or what.

I wanted to ask if the dark sample was a choice (fourth day, we give you the dark donor). Or if choice of transplant was random (the tubes come snugly, and anonymously, wrapped). Or if transplants are chosen on whim and association (I have a craving for bittersweet chocolate). I also want to ask what effect a particularly potent transplant is likely to have on the transplantee. I’ll try to remember tomorrow.

I was taught the word for “I would like” on my way out. Now I have a verb.

There is a caffe not far from the clinic that I noticed for the first time this morning, and I thought I’d try it out. As I approached, I began to feel that taking in sugar and caffeine was not really what I wanted to do right after a particularly potent transplant, but I poked my head in to give it a look, just out of curiosity.

As I mentioned previously, the architecture in the district of Ruzinov is oppressive Soviet or post-oppressive modern, so even though there are a few nice structures tucked in amongst the barrenness of the whole, the cityscape in this part of town lacks grace. The building the caffe is in might be aptly characterized as a half cut above strip-mall American. But the interior of the caffe is absolutely elegant, minimalist and clean, creative and stylish. Almost every interior I’ve been in, or can see from the street, is like this. It is as if people are bursting with a love for beauty, can’t afford to replace the brutal or bland structures they live with on the street, so pour their hearts into interior design.

But, the no caffeine or sugar argument won out, so I treated myself to a sandwich at Billa. I sat on the same low wall, and was accompanied by the same beautiful little pollinator as when I munched on the over-wrapped wrap. Now, I failed to mention the bee before, because we became friends in the end, and today, as soon as I opened the sandwich, she was back. (I’m not really claiming it was the same individual, but she could have been.) Halfway through the sandwich, and because she was taking a more avid interest in the mayonnaise than was safe for either of us (picture a landing and a bite perfectly timed) I made the irrational choice of moving two meters towards the bus stop on the hope she would lose interest. I moved. The bee, she did not follow.

Almost home, now, and investigating a posted map of the city. I was feeling so energetic, I began to imagine a walk into Old Town on the weekend, and wondered how far it might be. The man of about my age who was mowing weeds into a lawn, came up to help. He waved at the map, effused about his beloved city, and circled his right hand around Old Town.

– Centrum! Beautiful!  (Or so I guessed.)

I employed my high-school Russian (with startling recall) to ask where we were on the map. He leaned in so as to hear me better, but I couldn’t assemble a real sentence.

– Turista? He asked.

I gave him what I thought was the universal “sorta maybe” wobble of the open hand, palm down. He didn’t get it. We tried a few more times to communicate, gave up. He smiled a huge welcome and shook my hand. Then he waved in the general direction of my apartment.

– Centrum is in that direction? He smiled and nodded again. I thanked him and waved, but in my heart I kissed his feet.

I arrived home, took some Mucuna, started the dishwasher, checked email, wrote the first part of this post, grew tired, and slept for 40 minutes. Upon waking, I stared at the clock and realized I hadn’t peed, yet. If that can happen, there is hope for everything.

* * *

TRAPIANTO QUATTRO (di dieci) – Gli Alti e Bassi

– Avviso, cue Tensione Braccio Destro e Tremore, per cinque giorni sfumati al nero.

– Avvertito, grazie.

– Restare in attesa, cue RATT conta cinque giorni.

– In attesa.

– Vai, cue RATT, uno, due, tre, quattro …

Continua.

Quel po ‘di ottimismo è stato provocato dalla mia camminata verso casa. Il mio braccio destro oscillò con la mia andatura, non nonostante ciò. Questo non è successo da un po’ di tempo.

Ieri sera un centesimo potrei avuto un’illuminazione. Forse – quando Ivanna ha detto che le cose peggioreranno e le cose andranno meglio – forse non voleva solo dire che avrei sperimentato i soliti capricci del PD. Forse intendeva dire che i sintomi, tutti loro e lo stato d’essere generalmente scadente, sarebbero diventati più pronunciati all’inizio, per ragioni simili al perché sono così stanco e affamato. Ho chiesto chiarimenti.

– Beh, entrambi davvero. Le modifiche che si verificano con PD continueranno e potrebbero diventare esagerate nei primi giorni.

– Molti dei miei sintomi sembrano meno pronunciati da lunedì sera, ho detto speranzoso. Solo che sono sempre stanco e affamato, e molto, molto … E qui ho dimostrato ciò per cui non avevo parola, almeno quella di cui ero sicuro che avrebbe capito, camminando come se fossi in mare aperto durante tempo turbolento.

– Ognuno è diverso, ma sì, può succedere.

Ha nuovamente riassunto una probabile timeline. Alcuni miglioramenti possono essere notati dopo il quinto o sesto impianto e quell’arco di miglioramento di solito continua fino a tre mesi, a volte un po’ di più, a volte un po’ meno. Lo sostenne con dati fisiologici, ma questo ragazzo era stanco e affamato. Ho capito più di ieri, ma non posso ripeterlo se non per dire che ha a che fare con l’adattamento del organismo al microbioma estranea (anche se benefica).

Ieri mattina subito dopo l’aumento, ho avuto un movimento intestinale – tre o quattro giorni prima del previsto dichiarato di Ivanna. Le ho detto con un po ‘di trepidazione.

– Ottimo lavoro! lei disse. Ho rifiutato di prendermi il merito.

Mi conduce ad una tabella con rappresentazioni delicatamente disegnate di escrementi umani in varie forme e colori. Il titolo del grafico grida, in inglese, ” Che cosa viene fatto da tuo bambino? ”

– Quale?

– Colore o forma?

– Principalmente forma, ma mi piacerebbe anche sapere del colore.

Indicai il numero quattro per forma, poi decisi che anche il colore era abbastanza preciso, quindi ho indicato di nuovo.

– Ottimo lavoro! lei disse. Sentendo questo frastuono un po ‘sotto pressione, ho mormorato un grazie.

Abbiamo continuato il trattamento. Dopo aver posto le solite domande su comfort e pressione, ha osservato,

– È molto buio oggi.

– Vuoi dire che è nuvoloso?

– Cosa?

– Il tempo?

– No, il trapianto è quasi nero, vedi?

E mi mostrò cosa restava al collo della siringa.

– Quando è buio in questo modo, è spesso molto potente. Non so se ciò sia dovuto a un particolare donatore o perché.

Volevo chiederti se il campione oscuro fosse una scelta (quarto giorno, ti diamo il donatore oscuro). O se la scelta del trapianto è stata casuale (le provette sono avvolgenti e anonime, avvolte). O se i trapianti sono scelti per capriccio e associazione (ho una voglia matta di cioccolato agrodolce). Voglio anche chiedere quale effetto può avere un trapianto particolarmente potente alla persona che riceva il trapianto. Proverò a ricordare domani.

Mi è stato insegnato la parola “Vorrei” mentre uscivo. Ora ho un verbo.

C’è un bar non lontano dalla clinica che ho notato per la prima volta questa mattina e ho pensato di provarlo. Mentre mi avvicinavo, ho iniziato a sentire che assumere zucchero e caffeina non era proprio quello che volevo fare subito dopo un trapianto particolarmente potente, ma l’ho dato un’occhiata, solo per curiosità.

Come ho accennato in precedenza, l’architettura nel distretto di Ruzinov è sovietica opprimente o moderna post-oppressiva, quindi anche se ci sono alcune belle strutture nascoste nella sterilità del tutto, il paesaggio urbano in questa parte della città manca di grazia. L’edificio in cui si trova il bar potrebbe essere opportunamente caratterizzato come un mezzo gradino più di un centro commerciale americano. Ma l’interno del bar è assolutamente elegante, minimalista e pulito. Quasi ogni interno in cui sono stato, o posso vedere dalla strada, è così. È come se le persone scoppiassero con l’amore per la bellezza, non possano permettersi di sostituire le strutture brutali o insipide con cui vivono per strada, quindi riversa i loro cuori nel design degli interni.

Ma la discussione sulla mancanza di caffeina o zucchero ha vinto, quindi mi sono offerto un panino a Billa. Mi sono seduto sulla stessa parete bassa ed ero accompagnato dallo stesso bellissimo piccolo impollinatore di quando sgranocchiavo l’involucro troppo avvolto. Ora, non ho menzionato l’ape prima, perché alla fine siamo diventati amici e oggi, non appena ho aperto il panino, è tornata. (Non sto davvero affermando che fosse la stessa ape, ma avrebbe potuto esserla.) A metà del panino, e perché si stava interessando alla maionese in modo più avido di quanto fosse sicuro per entrambi (immaginiamo un atterraggio e un morso perfettamente cronometrato). Ho fatto la scelta irrazionale di spostarmi di due metri verso la fermata dell’autobus nella speranza che perdesse interesse. Ho spostato. L’ape, non ha seguito.

Quasi a casa, ora, e indagando su una mappa pubblicata della città. Mi sentivo così energico, ho iniziato a immaginare una passeggiata nel centro storico nel fine settimana e mi chiedevo fino a dove potesse essere. L’uomo della mia età che stava falciando le erbacce in un prato, si avvicinò per aiutare. Fece un cenno con la mano sulla mappa, si fece strada per la sua amata città e fece il giro della mano destra per il centro storico.

– Centrum! Bello (o almeno così ho indovinato.)

Ho impiegato il mio russo dal liceo (con un ricordo sorprendente) per chiedermi dove fossimo sulla mappa. Si chinò per sentirmi meglio, ma non riuscivo a mettere insieme una frase vera.

– Turista? Chiese.

Gli ho dato quello che pensavo fosse il “più o meno” oscillazione universale della mano aperta, con il palmo verso il basso. Non l’ha capito. Abbiamo provato ancora qualche volta a comunicare, ci siamo arresi. Sorrise enormemente e mi strinse la mano. Poi fece un cenno nella direzione generale del mio appartamento.

– Centrum è in quella direzione? Lui sorrise e annuì di nuovo. Lo ringraziai e lo salutai con la mano, ma nel mio cuore gli baciai i piedi.

Sono arrivato a casa, ho preso un po’ di Mucuna, ho avviato la lavastoviglie, ho controllato l’e-mail, ho scritto la prima parte di questo post, mi sono stancato e ho dormito per 40 minuti. Al risveglio, ho fissato l’orologio e mi sono reso conto che non avevo ancora fatto pipì. Se ciò può accadere, c’è speranza per tutto.

TRANSPLANT THREE (of ten) – The Fruits of Fatigue

– Sure, it’s good that you are tired.

First thing after she entered the room, I had asked Ivanna if it was normal during the transplant process to always be tired.

– How about always hungry?

– Also good. It shows your body is adjusting to the new microbiome environment. It takes some energy to do that, so you need plenty of rest and good food.

She then went into a detailed explanation of how my system was adjusting and why that was good, but I was too tired and hungry to penetrate her accent, or to remember more than — something about the immune system.

She did add, in less technical terms, that for the first five or six transplants, the PD would be its charmingly unpredictable self, only more so.

– You may feel great for a couple of hours, then worse than before. But most patients find that after five or six transplants they begin to notice real improvements. Which, and to what degree, depends on the individual. Then normally, improvements will continue for three to six months before you notice a stabilization. You will take the supplements we give you and take care with your diet, and over time your new microbiome will have an equalizing effect on your entire organism.

She then took off on another technical description, and again my fatigue and hunger prevented me from committing any of it to memory. That’s okay, I’ll maybe ask her to repeat after transplant number six.

So, not to bore you with detail, I’ll just say that my condition is more or less as she describes; it follows the marbles-down-a-funnel metaphor I floated yesterday as a possible model for how response to the FMT’s might be characterized. The right arm continues stiller than usual except when I lie on my right side, then it feels odd but not necessarily tremulous. All symptoms wax and wane at a fairly rapid rate of flutter. Movements are more agile today, but as compared to when? I can’t really say. Well, compared to at least the last several weeks, and during that time movement became easier and less robotic than it was previous to that. This is like peeling an onion.

It rained this morning, but only during the time of my walk to and from the clinic, so most residents here were not unduly inconvenienced. The hooded waterproof that I cursed as too heavy for a Bratislavan October three days ago, was suddenly my favorite item of clothing. The rain remained at the level of a light shower. It was rather pleasant, except that the sound of it hitting the hood made me want to pee. I’m gradually identifying all the bathrooms along the route.

Speaking of which (when did urination become my principal topic of conversation?) just as I was poised to let water in my very own bathroom after returning home, the doorbell rang. I knew it was the cleaning lady, so I couldn’t ignore it. I did what had to be done as quickly as possible and arrived at the front door tardily, but in as civilized a state as I can muster these days. While she cleaned, I went out to the balcony. It was sunny, the chairs are comfortable, there’s a pleasant view, and I was tired anyway. The surrounding apartment towers are post-communist and not unpleasant in their international modernist way. Each unit seems to have a balcony, some may have two. Not one of them, that I can see, sports a plant. I wondered if that was due to condo rules, weather, or disinterest. The apartment blocks outside of Rome look like the hanging gardens of Babylon.

On my way home I was about to cross an off ramp just before I took today’s photo. A police car was driving up the ramp. The officer stopped and lowered his passenger-side window.

– Something in Slovak, he said.

– I’m sorry, I speak English.

– Oh! Okay. He paused to reconstruct the sentence. Have you seen any deer? Running around? In this area?

– Deer?

– Deer. Running around.

– No. No, I haven’t.

– Okay. Thank you. And he drove off.

Somehow, that captures the day.

* * *

TRAPIANTO TRE (di dieci) – I frutti della fatica

– Certo, è bello che tu sia stanco.

La prima cosa dopo essere entrata nella stanza, avevo chiesto ad Ivanna se durante il processo di trapianto era normale essere sempre stanchi.

– Che ne dici di avere sempre fame?

– Anche bene. Mostra che il tuo corpo si sta adattando al nuovo ambiente di microbioma. Ci vuole un po ‘di energia per farlo, quindi hai bisogno di riposo e buon cibo.

Ha poi spiegato dettagliatamente come il mio sistema si stava adattando e perché era buono, ma ero troppo stanco e affamato per penetrare nel suo accento o per ricordare più di qualcosa sul sistema immunitario.

Ha aggiunto, in termini meno tecnici, che per i primi cinque o sei trapianti, il PD sarebbe il suo sé affascinante e imprevedibile, solo di più.

– Potresti sentirti benissimo per un paio d’ore, poi peggio di prima. Ma la maggior parte dei pazienti scopre che dopo cinque o sei trapianti iniziano a notare miglioramenti reali. Quale e in che misura dipende dall’individuo. Quindi normalmente, i miglioramenti continueranno per tre o sei mesi dopo quello prima che tu noti una stabilizzazione. Prenderai i supplementi che ti forniremo e ti prenderò cura della tua dieta, e col tempo il tuo nuovo microbioma avrà un effetto equalizzante su tutto il tuo organismo.

Poi decollò con un’altra descrizione tecnica, e di nuovo la mia stanchezza e la fame mi impedirono di commetterne alcun ricordo. Va bene, forse le chiederò di ripetere dopo il trapianto numero sei.

Quindi, per non annoiarti con i dettagli, dirò solo che la mia condizione è più o meno come lei descrive; segue la metafora delle biglie lungo dell’imbuto che ho lanciato ieri come un possibile modello per come potrebbe essere caratterizzata la risposta alla FMT. Il braccio destro continua più tranquillo del solito, tranne quando riposo sul lato destro, quindi sembra strano ma non necessariamente tremolante. Tutti i sintomi si attenuano e diminuiscono a un ritmo abbastanza rapido di fremito. I movimenti sono più agili oggi, ma rispetto a quando non posso davvero dirlo. Allora, rispetto almeno alle ultime settimane, e durante quel periodo il movimento divenne più facile e meno robotico di quanto non fosse prima. Questa caccia è come sbucciare una cipolla.

Ha piovuto stamattina, ma solo durante il periodo della mia camminata da e verso la clinica, quindi la maggior parte dei residenti qui non è stata indebitamente disturbata. L’impermeabile con cappuccio che ho giudicato troppo pesante per un ottobre di Bratislava tre giorni fa, è stato improvvisamente il mio capo di abbigliamento preferito. La pioggia è rimasta al livello di un leggero rovescio. Era piuttosto piacevole, tranne per il fatto che il suono che colpiva il cappuccio mi faceva venire voglia di fare pipì. Sto identificando gradualmente tutti i bagni lungo il percorso.

A proposito (quando la minzione è diventata il mio principale argomento di conversazione?) Proprio mentre ero pronto a lasciare l’acqua nel mio bagno dopo essere tornato a casa, il campanello suonò. Sapevo che era la donna delle pulizie, quindi non potevo ignorarla. Ho fatto quello che doveva essere fatto il più rapidamente possibile e sono arrivato alla porta in ritardo, ma in uno stato il più civilizzato che riesco a raccogliere in questi giorni. Mentre puliva, uscii sul balcone. C’era il sole, le sedie sono comode, c’è una vista piacevole ed ero stanco comunque. Le torri degli appartamenti circostanti sono post-comuniste e non sgradevoli nel loro modo modernista internazionale. Ogni unità sembra avere un balcone, alcune possono averne due. Nessuno di loro, che vedo, mette in mostra una pianta. Mi chiedevo se ciò fosse dovuto alle regole del condominio, al tempo o al disinteresse. I condomini fuori Roma sembrano i giardini pensili di Babilonia.

Sulla via del ritorno stavo per attraversare una rampa poco prima di scattare la foto di oggi. Una macchina della polizia stava salendo la rampa. Il signore si fermò e abbassò il finestrino del passeggero.

– Qualcosa in slovacco, disse.

– Mi dispiace, parlo inglese.

– Oh! Va bene. Si fermò per ricostruire la frase. Hai visto qualche cervi? Correre attorno? In quest’area?

– Cervi?

– Cervi. Correre attorno.

– No. No, non l’ho fatto.

– Va bene. Grazie. E se ne andò.

In qualche modo, questo cattura il giorno.

TRANSPLANT TWO (of ten) — Resting

As with all good adventures, the one I’m on has a surprise ending. The treatment I’m taking (FMT) is experimental, which above all, means there is no predicting the outcome. But even the getting there is mysterious.

For example, suppose the FMT works as well as it has for some. Suppose in two weeks time I am symptom free. How would that show in process? Would it be like a bank of stage lights on a single dimmer, all symptoms fading together until we go to black? (Or until we achieve full light, your choice on the metaphor. Stage terminology allows you to fade up or down.) Or would some symptoms pop out of sight, while others slowly reduce, and still others come and go erratically? Or would the process resemble marbles down a funnel, chaotic as a Boston rush hour? I don’t know, and no one is writing about it.

So, I’m going to. Write about this process – starting here with Transplant Two. Whether this treatment works for me or not, and in whatever way or to whatever degree it might, it would be good to have a record, a map others could maybe reference if they decide to tread this path.

But first I’ll back up to yesterday evening.

After eating like a stevedore at lunch, I came home and took a nap. The walk, the hunger, all the combined vulnerabilities had worn me out. During the nap there began a great noise in my intestinal tract; rumblings and groans, as if armies of bacteria were waging a mighty battle. And maybe they were. The military exercises continued into the evening. Despite the nap, I was ready for bed by 19:30, but resisted. I can easily sleep two early hours and then be awake the rest of the night, and I dreaded that possibility. By the time I fell onto my pillow at 22:00, I was primed for instant slumber. And slumber I did, until 05:38 with nothing in between that I can remember.

I woke feeling memorably clear. That happens sometimes, you wake up feeling like a kid, the PD is not in evidence, you imagine yourself bounding out of bed, and believe you can – until you try. I crawled and grunted onto my feet and hobbled to the bathroom for what one does there first thing in the morning. If you read that omission as a polite way of suggesting a bowel movement, you would be mistaken. Ivanna says it will likely be three or four days before my gut is ready for production again.

I glanced in the mirror. I looked somewhat less wretched than I did last night. That was some consolation.

The tremor stayed gone all morning. I still crept around, a little awkwardly, bumped into things from time to time, but my right arm remained still.

I began the walk to IPPM allowing an hour and a quarter of travel time. I felt lighter and more energetic than yesterday, but not as bouncy as Sunday. It took a full sixty-five minutes to arrive at the clinic, no stops on the way. My gait was steady the whole time (translated – no shuffling).

I had meant to ask Ivanna if the transplant procedure tends to make one tired, but forgot. I wanted to ask because today and Monday I have been profoundly tired. True, I walk 8 kilometers of a morning, along major thoroughfares with noisy traffic. But the route is virtually flat, the sidewalks are wide and mostly well-paved, and most are separated from the roadway by at least two meters of grass. I walk more than 8 kilometers a day in Orvieto, up and down hills, among traffic and on cobblestones, and I am never as throughly exhausted as I have been for the past couple of days.

However, being in a new city, alone, not feeling in top form, and unable to say more than hello and thank you is stressful, and PD thrives on stress. Might there be a connection? It also may be that however benign the FMT may seem (quick, simple, non-narcotic, organic) it is having a profound effect on my body. My dragging around is more than PD-related inability to perform quick movements. I have got to ask about this in the morning because fatigue from an unknown source engenders stress, and then we have entered a cycle.

On the way out of the clinic I did ask the three women who are in charge about the Slovak language. We had a great time. Turns out most of what they shared is a lot like Croatian, so I was able easily to arm myself with greetings for all times of day. What I don’t have yet are verbs. It is impossible to get past an awkward grin without verbs. Some stress-reducing study is called for.

By the time I hit the road again, I was hungry despite having eaten a much larger breakfast than I normally would have in Orvieto, so at about the halfway point I stopped at Billa, the super-supermarket, and bought a delicious wrap. I found a place to sit near a scrubby pine on the low wall that divides the sidewalk from the parking lot, and set about trying to figure out how to remove the wrap from the wrapper the wrap was wrapped it. (I called the wrap delicious, so it naturally follows that after many grumbles and spits, I did manage to extract it.) Another question for Ivanna; is it normal to be this hungry all the time?

My pace was slow the full way back, but not the slog that it was on Monday. I arrived home, kicked off my shoes and fell onto the bed for an hour. After the nap I crept around the apartment, performed household chores while feeling about two hundred years old, but the right arm remained still. I went next door for lunch – a bit later than yesterday so as to avoid crowds – and my right thumb twitched a bit while eating, but the tremor did not return. It did make a brief reappearance as I lay down to rest my back with my right arm under the pillow – but otherwise, it has been quiet and relaxed.

PD is famously sneaky. One has good days and bad days, still hours and shaky ones. I’m taking Mucuna through all of this, and when it wears off or seems insufficient, I take more. Both of those facts color my lookout for modified symptoms. Tomorrow my arm may shake its way through the day. Or maybe it won’t. And either may signify nothing.

I have no choice but to rest. However, regarding stress I have to make an effort. I will meditate. Learn some verbs. Sadly, the apartment lacks a tub.

* * *

TRAPIANTO DUE (di dieci) — Riposo

Come in tutte le belle avventure, quella in cui sto vivendo ha un finale a sorpresa. Il trattamento che sto prendendo (FMT) è sperimentale, il che significa soprattutto che non è possibile prevederne l’esito. Ma anche il processo come arrivarci è misterioso.

Ad esempio, supponiamo che la FMT funzioni così bene come per alcuni. Supponiamo che tra due settimane non abbia sintomi. In che modo sarebbe visibile? Sarebbe come una serie di luci del palcoscenico su un singolo variatore, tutti i sintomi che svaniscono insieme fino a quando arriviamo a nero? (O fino a quando non avremo alla piena luce, la tua scelta sulla metafora. La terminologia del palcoscenico ti consente di svanire su o giù.) O alcuni sintomi si spengono alla vista, mentre altri si riducono lentamente, e altri ancora vanno e vengono in modo irregolare? O il processo assomiglierebbe alle biglie lungo un imbuto, caotico come l’ora di punta di Boston? Non lo so e nessuno ne sta scrivendo.

Quindi scrivo io. Scrivi di questo processo- a partire da qui con Trapianto Due. Se questo trattamento funziona per me o no, e in qualunque modo o in qualunque misura, sarebbe bene avere un record, una mappa che gli altri potrebbero fare riferimento se decidessero di percorrere questo percorso.

Ma prima tornerò a ieri sera.

Dopo aver mangiato come uno stivatore a pranzo, sono tornato a casa e ho fatto un pisolino. Il cammino, la fame, tutte le vulnerabilità combinate mi avevano logorato. Durante il pisolino iniziò un forte rumore nel mio tratto intestinale; brontolii e gemiti, come se eserciti di batteri avessero intrapreso una potente battaglia. E forse lo erano. Gli esercizi militari sono proseguiti fino a sera. Nonostante il pisolino, ero pronto per andare a letto alle 19:30, ma ho resistito. Posso facilmente dormire due prime ore e poi essere sveglio per il resto della notte, e temevo quella possibilità. Quando sono caduto sul cuscino alle 22:00, ero pronto per un sonno istantaneo. E ho dormito fino alle 05:38 con niente in mezzo che posso ricordare.

Mi sono svegliato sentendomi memorabilmente chiaro. A volte succede, ti svegli sentendoti come un bambino, il PD non è in evidenza, ti immagini di uscire dal letto e credi di poterlo fare – fino a quando non ci provi. Ho strisciato e grugnito in piedi e ho zoppicato in bagno per quello che si fa lì la prima cosa al mattino. Se leggi quell’omissione come un modo educato di suggerire un movimento intestinale, ti sbaglieresti. Ivanna dice che probabilmente passeranno tre o quattro giorni prima che il mio istinto sia di nuovo pronto per la produzione.

Mi sono guardato allo specchio. Sembravo un po ‘meno miserabile rispetto a ieri sera. Questa era una consolazione.

Il tremore è scomparso tutta la mattina. Continuavo a strisciare un po ‘goffamente, urtando di tanto in tanto le cose, ma il braccio destro rimaneva fermo.

Ho iniziato la camminata verso IPPM concedendomi un’ora e un quarto di viaggio. Mi sentivo più leggero ed energico di ieri, ma non rimbalzante come la domenica. Ci sono voluti ben sessantacinque minuti per arrivare alla clinica, senza fermate lungo la strada. La mia andatura è stata costante per tutto il tempo (tradotto – nessun rimescolamento).

Avevo intenzione di chiedere a Ivanna se la procedura di trapianto tende a stancare, ma ho dimenticato. Volevo chiedere perché oggi e lunedì sono stato profondamente stanco. È vero, cammino 8 chilometri di mattina, percorrendo le principali arterie con traffico rumoroso. Ma il percorso è praticamente pianeggiante, i marciapiedi sono ampi e per lo più ben pavimentati e sono separati dalla carreggiata da almeno due metri del prato. Cammino per più di 8 chilometri al giorno a Orvieto, su e giù per le colline, tra il traffico e sui ciottoli, e non sono mai completamente esausto come sono stato negli ultimi due giorni.

Tuttavia, trovarsi in una nuova città, da solo, non sentirsi in ottima forma e incapace di dire altro che ciao e grazie è stressante e il PD prospera sullo stress. Potrebbe esserci una connessione? Può anche darsi che per quanto benigna possa sembrare la FMT (rapida, semplice, non narcotica, organica) sta avendo un profondo effetto sul mio organismo. Il mio trascinamento è più che incapacità relativa al PD di eseguire movimenti rapidi. Devo chiederlo al mattino perché la fatica da una fonte sconosciuta genera stress, e quindi siamo entrati in un ciclo.

Uscendo dalla clinica ho chiesto alle tre donne che si occupano della lingua slovacca. Ci siamo divertiti. Risulta che la maggior parte di ciò che hanno condiviso è molto simile al croato, quindi sono stato in grado di armarmi facilmente di saluti per tutte le ore del giorno. Quello che non ho ancora sono i verbi. È impossibile superare un sorriso imbarazzante senza verbi. Sono richiesti alcuni studi per ridurre lo stress.

Quando ho ripreso la strada, avevo fame nonostante avessi fatto una colazione molto più grande di quella che avrei fatto normalmente ad Orvieto, quindi a circa metà percorso mi sono fermato a Billa, il super-supermercato, e ho comprato un delizioso involucro. Ho trovato un posto per sedermi vicino a un pino macchiato sul muretto che divide il marciapiede dal parcheggio e ho cercato di capire come rimuovere l’involucro dall’involucro che è stato avvolto dall’involucro. (Ho definito la confezione deliziosa, quindi ne consegue naturalmente che dopo molte lamentele e sputi sono riuscito a estrarla.) Un’altra domanda per Ivanna; è normale avere sempre fame così forte?

Il mio ritmo era lento per tutto il cammino, ma non come lento che era lunedì. Sono arrivato a casa, mi sono tolto le scarpe e sono caduto sul letto per un’ora. Dopo il pisolino, strisciai per l’appartamento, eseguivo le faccende domestiche mentre mi sentivo circa duecento anni, ma il braccio destro rimase tranquillo. Sono andato a pranzo accanto – un po ‘più tardi rispetto a ieri per evitare la folla – e il mio pollice destro si è mosso leggermente mentre mangiavo, ma il tremore non è tornato. Ha fatto una breve ricomparsa mentre mi sdraiavo per riposare la schiena con il braccio destro sotto il cuscino – ma per il resto è stato tranquillo e rilassato.

Il PD è notoriamente subdolo. Uno ha giorni buoni e giorni cattivi, ore alla pace e quelli traballanti. Sto prendendo Mucuna attraverso tutto questo, e quando svanisce o sembra insufficiente, ne prendo di più. Entrambi questi fatti colorano la mia ricerca di sintomi modificati. Domani il mio braccio potrebbe tremolare durante il giorno. O forse non lo farà nulla. E in entrambi i casi, ciò potrebbe non significare niente.

Non ho altra scelta che riposare. Tuttavia, per quanto riguarda lo stress, devo fare uno sforzo. Mediterò. Impara alcuni verbi. Purtroppo l’appartamento manca di una vasca da bagno.

TRANSPLANT ONE (of ten) — Being Vulnerable

The clinic here would have been able to take me in late September, had I been able to schedule. But I had just passed Dr. Gazzurra some research I’d done on FMT (Fecal Microbiota Transplant) and I wanted him to have time to review and digest it (pun acknowledged) before I set a date. When I met with him he thanked me for providing him with the information.

– Doctors hear about things like this, but often don’t get around to investigating. This sounds important, so I’m happy to know more. Try it. So long as there’s no risk of contagion, there’s no reason not to.

The clinic had said they could begin today or on the 21st. I wrote that my doctor was in accord, so I’d take the 14th. The whole journey was a great unknown, I wanted to confront it as soon as possible, to make it real with experience and sensory impressions.

Today’s appointment required that I stop eating at noon on Sunday, do prep Sunday night with a strong laxative adorably named PicoPrep, then avoid food until after the procedure, which was scheduled for 13:30. I’ve never functioned well not eating – when blood sugar crashes, everything crashes – and with the PD that tendency is exaggerated, so I asked if today’s time could be moved up.

– Tell you what, Janette wrote, how about we open the clinic an hour early and start at eight?

– Wonderful, I can do that.

I left the house at 6:40 for a fifty minute walk, just in case there were unforeseen delays. According to Dr. Gazzurra, having suddenly to pee as one approaches home, or a toilet, is not an uncommon phenomenon. Like so many things, the PD makes it much more urgent. I got as far as the gas station not fifty meters from the clinic, and what I knew was a demanding bladder would have no more of my uncooperative attitude. I went into the attached convenience store, found the men’s room, and then confronted the unanticipated fact that wearing a backpack was going to interfere with the swift organization of all the necessary parts. By the time full flow was allowable, flow had already begun and I was left with a wet splotch on my pants down to my left knee.

On an empty stomach my walking had digressed from spritely to plodding, my polo shirt remained untucked in an attempt at discretion, and I must have cut a pathetic sight pushing on the clinic door that needed to be pulled. As she welcomed me, Ivanna, the tech, glanced down but said nothing.

The clinic is compact, well-equipped, spotlessly clean, and beautifully decorated. Janette was stuck in traffic, so Ivanna suggested we delay the paperwork and begin immediately. That sounded fine. The sooner we start, the sooner I eat.

We went into one of the treatment rooms, I was given instructions on how to disrobe, and after a interval for privacy (which given the nature of the procedure seemed rather unnecessary), we started the hydro-colonic. That is one remarkable machine. I had no idea what to expect, but it was all contained, painless, and barely noticeable. Ivanna enthused over how little fecal matter remained in the discharge. Had I not been so woozy from hunger, I may have been proud.

The implant was likewise painless, clean, and quick. It requires a ten minute, post-implant, wait on your back with legs elevated, then another fifteen on your right side, the last of which put me in direct line of sight with my damp trousers. When Ivanna returned, I took the plunge.

– May I make a strange request? She nodded. I had an accident on the way here. She nodded. Do you have a hair dryer I could use?

– How about I throw them into the clothes dryer? Another ten minutes rest would help assure the implant is well-settled, anyway.

I’ve read about “the indignities of old age.” Best I can figure they are just like the indignities of childhood, only without your parents. Thank goodness for the Ivanna’s of the world.

After paperwork with Janette, Ivanna handed me a bag of supplements.

– This liquid you must take on an empty stomach, starting today, then it must immediately go into the fridge or it will spoil.

Lunch just got delayed by another two hours.

The walk home was very slow, not by choice. On the way, I stopped at a used clothing store to see if I could find a light jacket. I did, tried it on – seemed okay – and paid 8 euro to the lady at the register who said not a word and never looked at me (I checked to be sure my trousers were really dry; they were). In spite of all that, I was home by about 11:30. I put on my new jacket. It was clownishly long, something I obviously missed at the store. I crumpled under another small indignity, threw the coat on the bed, and went out to discover what was up with the vegetarian restaurant next door.

By then I was reeling and becoming nervous about stairs, and there were some going up to the serving area, crazily without reachable hand rails. I managed, figured out that it was a steam bar with a line, got my tray and dinnerware, and heaped my plate. Waiting at the end of the line was a young woman at a register with a scale. I made gestures about placing the plate on the scale, she nodded. Weighed, she announced the price.

– Päť eur šesť.

My high school Russian allowed me to understand (five euro, six cents) but my hunger did not. I grimaced, she rolled her eyes, I offered a twenty and a handful of coins from which she plucked the six cents.  I fumbled getting the change into my wallet (another PD over-exaggeration), gave up, stuffed it in my pocket, and delicately navigated my way to a table for four.  It was occupied by a young woman who read while she ate. I tried to remember how to say “may I?” but she never looked up so we were both spared the humiliation.

The meal was fantastic.

* * *

TRAPIANTO UNO (di dieci) – Essere vulnerabile

La clinica qui sarebbe stata in grado di portarmi a fine settembre, se avessi potuto programmare. Ma avevo appena passato alla Dott. Gazzurra alcune ricerche che avevo fatto sull’FMT (trapianto di microbiota fecale) e volevo che avesse il tempo di rivederlo e digerirlo (riconosciuto il gioco di parole) prima di fissare una data. Quando l’ho incontrato, mi ha ringraziato per avergli fornito le informazioni.

– I medici sentono parlare di cose del genere, ma spesso non vanno in giro a indagare. Sembra importante, quindi sono felice di saperne di più. Provalo. Finché non c’è rischio di contagio, non c’è motivo di non farlo.

La clinica aveva detto che potrebbe iniziare oggi o il 21°. Ho scritto che il mio medico era d’accordo, quindi mi piacerebbe prendere i 14°. L’intero viaggio è stato un grande incognito, volevo affrontarlo al più presto, per renderlo reale con esperienza e impressioni sensoriali.

L’appuntamento odierno prevedeva che smettessi di mangiare a mezzogiorno di domenica, preparassi la domenica sera con un forte lassativo, quindi evitassi il cibo fino a dopo la procedura, prevista per le 13:30. Non ho mai funzionato bene non mangiando – quando si blocca lo zucchero nel sangue, tutto si blocca – e con il PD quella tendenza è esagerata, quindi ho chiesto se il tempo di oggi potesse essere spostato verso l’alto.

– Ti dico cosa, scrisse Janette, che ne dici di aprire la clinica un’ora prima e iniziare alle otto?

– Fantastico, posso farlo.

Sono uscito di casa alle 06:40 per una passeggiata di cinquanta minuti, nel caso in cui ci fossero ritardi imprevisti. Secondo il dottor Gazzurra, dover improvvisamente fare pipì mentre ci si avvicina a casa, o una toilette, non è un fenomeno insolito. Come tante altre cose, il PD lo rende molto più urgente. Sono arrivato fino alla stazione di servizio non a cinquanta metri dalla clinica e quella che sapevo fosse una vescica esigente non avrebbe più avuto il mio atteggiamento poco collaborativo. Sono entrato nel negozio annesso, ho trovato la stanza degli uomini e poi ho affrontato il fatto imprevisto che indossare uno zaino avrebbe interferito con la rapida organizzazione di tutte le parti necessarie. Quando il flusso completo era consentito, il flusso era già iniziato e mi era rimasta una macchia bagnata sui pantaloni fino al ginocchio sinistro. A stomaco vuoto la mia camminata era passata da una velocità all’altra, la mia polo rimase sgattaiolata in un tentativo di discrezione, e dovevo aver tagliato una vista patetica spingendo sulla porta della clinica che doveva essere tirata. Mentre mi dava il benvenuto, Ivanna, la tecnica, abbassò lo sguardo ma non disse nulla.

La clinica è compatta, ben attrezzata, perfettamente pulita, e ben arredata. Janette era bloccata nel traffico, quindi Ivanna ha suggerito di ritardare le scartoffie e iniziare immediatamente. Suonava bene. Prima iniziamo, prima mangio.

Siamo entrati in una delle sale per trattamenti, mi hanno dato istruzioni su come spogliarmi, e dopo un intervallo per la privacy (che a causa della natura della procedura sembrava piuttosto inutile), abbiamo avviato l’idrocolonico. Questa è una macchina straordinaria. Non avevo idea di cosa aspettarmi, ma era tutto contenuto, indolore, e appena percettibile. Ivanna si entusiasmò per la poca materia fecale rimasta nello scarico. Se non fossi stato così stupido dalla fame, avrei potuto essere orgoglioso.

Anche l’impianto era indolore, pulito, e rapido. Richiede dieci minuti, post-impianto, attendere sulla schiena con le gambe sollevate, quindi altri quindici alla tua destra, l’ultimo dei quali mi ha messo in vista diretta con i miei pantaloni umidi. Quando Ivanna è tornata, ho fatto il grande passo.

– Posso fare una strana richiesta? Lei annuì. Ho avuto un incidente sulla strada qui. Lei annuì. Hai un asciugacapelli che potrei usare?

– Che ne dici di buttarli nell’asciugatrice? Un altro riposo di dieci minuti contribuirebbe ad assicurare che l’impianto sia ben sistemato, comunque.

Ho letto “le indignità della vecchiaia.” Meglio riesco a capire che sono proprio come le indignità dell’infanzia, solo senza i tuoi genitori. Grazie al cielo per le Ivanne del mondo.

Dopo le scartoffie con Janette, Ivanna mi ha consegnato una busta di integratori.

– Questo liquido devi assumere a stomaco vuoto, a partire da oggi, quindi deve andare immediatamente in frigorifero o si rovinerà.

Il pranzo è stato ritardato di altre due ore.

La passeggiata verso casa fu molto lenta, non per scelta. Lungo la strada, mi sono fermato in un negozio di abbigliamento usato per vedere se potevo trovare una giacca leggera. L’ho fatto, l’ho provato – sembrava a posto – e ho pagato 8 euro alla signora del registro che non ha detto una parola e non mi ha mai guardato (ho controllato per essere sicuro che i miei pantaloni fossero davvero asciutti; lo erano). Nonostante tutto, ero a casa verso le 11:30. Ho indossato la mia nuova giacca. Era lungo come una giacca per un clown, qualcosa che ovviamente mi mancava al negozio. Mi accartocciai sotto un’altra piccola indignazione, gettai il cappotto sul letto e uscii per scoprire cosa succedeva nel ristorante vegetariano accanto. A quel punto stavo vacillando e diventando nervoso per le scale, e ce n’erano alcune. Riuscii a capire che si trattava di una barra di vapore con una coda, presi il mio vassoio e le stoviglie e ammucchiato il mio piatto. Alla fine della coda c’era una giovane donna alla cassa con una bilancia. Feci un gesto per posizionare il piatto sulla bilancia, lei annuì. Pesò, annunciò il prezzo.

– Päť eur šesť.

Il mio russo dal liceo mi ha permesso di capire (cinque euro, sei centesimi) ma la mia fame no. Ho fatto una smorfia, ha alzato gli occhi, ho offerto una ventina e una manciata di monete da cui ha strappato i sei centesimi, ha frugato nel prendere il resto nel mio portafoglio (un’altra esagerazione del PD) e sono delicatamente navigato verso un tavolo per quattro, occupato da una giovane donna che leggeva mentre mangiava. Ho provato a ricordare come dire “posso?” Ma non ha mai alzato lo sguardo, quindi siamo stati entrambi risparmiati l’umiliazione.

Il pasto è stato fantastico.

Arriving in Bratislava

TO READ SUBSEQUENT POSTS, USE THE LIST ON  YOUR LEFT, OR THE CALENDAR BELOW THAT.

PER LEGGERE I POSTI SUCCESSIVI, FARE RIFERIMENTO ALLA LISTA A SINISTRA O AL CALENDARIO SOTTO LA LISTA.

In May, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s (if I have to write that word again, it will be as “PD”). The diagnosis was for a mild form, early stage. I tried Madopar for five weeks. It made me drunk. I don’t mind feeling drunk now and then, but for five weeks with no break – I think I’ll pass. It was during that time that concerned friends organized a meeting to confront what seemed to be a much more serious condition than the diagnosis indicated. I spoke to my doctor and ditched the Madopar. Within a few days, I felt significantly better.

Shortly before quitting Madopar I began treatments with Dr. Fritz. Those David Ives fans reading this probably just guffawed. No, not that Dr. Fritz! Dottoressa Cristel Fritz, an 83 year old medically trained doctor who has also studied Ayurveda and practices homeopathy and bio-energetics. She’s funny, personable, and such a delight that I’d happily face the several kilometers of white road it takes us to go there just for a visit. First thing she did was an iridology reading.

– Did you suffer from an intestinal parasite 20, even 25 years ago?

– Yes.

— Here it is, she said pointing to a blob in my iris.  Quite uncomfortable, I imagine.

I got it in Lithuania, summer of 1995. It remained quite uncomfortable for years, despite antibiotics, creams, and other efforts at controlling it.

– Some of your present symptoms may be from the parasite. Not that it’s necessarily still active, but what it did to your intestinal microbiome may have a strong hand in what you are currently experiencing.

So, she did the tests for how she would treat me with homeopathy and sent me off with:

— Take these little globes morning and night. You may feel a reaction to the treatment rather soon.

On the way home I mentioned to Claudia, who kindly coordinates her appointments with mine so I have a ride, that I felt an improvement already, even without a treatment, but was confused as to why that should be. She replied that most of what I thought were tests, were treatments. My skepticism took a dent with that.

Over the next few weeks, I felt steadily better.

In passing, Dr. Fritz had described the Ayurvedic medicine called Mucuna Pruriens as quite effective for PD, so I began to research it, and was intrigued. Mucuna is where levodopa was first extracted. I won’t get further into it here except to say that I showed my doctor some of my research, and he agreed that it was worth a try. (If you want to know more, this is a good description of it, not too technical to be understood by us laity.) I began taking highly concentrated Mucuna powder in late September; it doesn’t make me drunk, and it helps to reduce symptoms.

Now, leaping back to the intestinal microbiome Dr. Fritz also mentioned in passing. I had heard of Fecal Microbiota Transplants (FMT) years ago as a possibly effective treatment for PD, MS, Alzheimers, and Crohn’s Disease. A stool sample from a well-screened donor is filtered and freeze dried in such a way that keeps the microbial content vital but removes the danger of contageon, then it is implanted into the cleaned-out gut of a patient. The patient, in turn, takes on the healthy microbiome of the donor. The procedure has been used effectively for C-diff, a dangerous and intractable intestinal disorder, for years. More recently it has been tried for brain diseases, too, based on research which suggests that those diseases have their origins in the gut. (This is an argument for clinical studies, but it describes the theory and the science well.)

Mid-August, a friend mentioned FMT in conversation, I was reminded of it, then spurred onto research when he sent me a short video on the process. FMT for PD is undergoing clinical trials in several countries right now, but it will be years before they have sufficient data to predict when and for whom it might work, so I started looking for where it could be available on an experimental basis. Every time I typed a search query, a clinic in Bratislava showed up at the top of the list.

There is this wonderful play that I directed multiple times with largely the same cast from 1992 to 2002 (including a performance in Lithuania, where I got the parasite) that is set in Czechoslovakia. One of the characters mentions Bratislava, and the actress who played her delivered the word with such perfect disdain, that I couldn’t bring myself to click on the clinic in Bratislava for at least a couple of weeks. Instead, I found a clinic in England, and one day while exploring its website found “partner clinics”. I clicked. One of them is IPPM in (you guessed it) Bratislava.

So, here I am. I’m staying in a beautifully rehabbed apartment in the Nivy neighborhood, about a 45 minute walk from the clinic.  I tried the walk this morning.  It is level, not difficult, and except for the trees, rather ugly. In terms of civic planning, Bratislava is crawling out from communism at the same time it is squirming under the fist of capitalism. I’ve never been to a city quite like this, so mixed and so anonymous. I’ve only been to the fringes of the old city, which by all accounts is lovely, so I’ll go further into reports of life in the Slovak capital in subsequent posts. But I am here, getting my bearings, and starting the unpleasant task of prep (think colonoscopy) for tomorrow’s first implant, in three hours. Time to buy as much water as I can carry.

Goodbye for now – “dovidenia zatiaľ”.

* * *

A maggio mi è stato diagnosticato il Parkinson (se devo scrivere di nuovo quella parola, sarà come “PD”). La diagnosi era per una forma lieve, nella fase iniziale. Ho provato Madopar per cinque settimane. Mi ha fatto ubriaco. Non mi dispiace sentirmi ubriaco di tanto in tanto, ma per cinque settimane senza interruzioni,penso che passerò. Fu durante quel periodo che gli amici interessati organizzarono un incontro per affrontare quella che sembrava essere una condizione molto più grave della diagnosi indicata. Ho parlato con il mio medico e ho abbandonato il Madopar. Nel giro di pochi giorni, mi sentivo significativamente meglio.

Poco prima di lasciare Madopar ho iniziato i trattamenti con la dottoressa Fritz. Quei fan di David Ives che leggono questo probabilmente hanno appena fatto una risatina. No, non quel dottore Fritz! La dottoressa Cristel Fritz, una bella donna di 83 anni che ha studiato medicina ayurvedica e pratica l’omeopatia e la bioenergia. È umerosa, simpatica e così divertente che sarei felice di affrontare i diversi chilometri di strada bianca che ci serve per andare lì solo per una visita. La prima cosa che fece fu una lettura di iridologia.

– Hai sofferto di un parassita intestinale 20, anche 25 anni fa?

– Sì.

– Eccola, disse indicando una macchia nell’iride. Era molto scomodo, immagino.

L’ho preso in Lituania nell’estate del 1995. È rimasto piuttosto scomodo per anni, nonostante gli antibiotici, le creme e altri sforzi per controllarlo.

– Alcuni dei tuoi sintomi attuali possono provenire dal parassita. Non che sia necessariamente ancora attivo, ma ciò che ha fatto al microbioma intestinale potrebbe avere una mano forte in quello che stai vivendo.

Quindi, ha fatto i test su come mi avrebbe trattato con l’omeopatia e mi ha mandato con:

– Prendi questi piccoli globi mattina e sera. Potresti sentire una reazione al trattamento piuttosto presto.

Sulla strada di casa ho parlato a Claudia, che coordina gentilmente i suoi appuntamenti con i miei, quindi ho un passaggio, che ho già sentito un miglioramento, anche senza un trattamento, ma ero confuso sul perché ciò dovesse essere. Lei rispose che la maggior parte di ciò che pensavo fossero test, erano trattamenti. Il mio scetticismo se ne è preso cura.

Nelle prossime settimane mi sono sentito costantemente meglio.

A proposito, il dottor Fritz aveva descritto la medicina ayurvedica chiamata Mucuna Pruriens come abbastanza efficace per la malattia di Parkinson, così ho iniziato a ricercarlo e ne sono rimasta affascinata. La Mucuna è dove la levodopa è stata estratta per la prima volta. Non approfondirò qui se non per dire che ho mostrato al mio medico alcune delle mie ricerche e ha concordato che valeva la pena provare. (Se vuoi saperne di più, questa è una buona descrizione, non troppo tecnica per essere compresa da noi laici.) Ho iniziato a prendere Mucuna in polvere altamente concentrata a fine settembre; non mi fa ubriacare e aiuta a ridurre i sintomi.

Ora, tornando al microbioma intestinale, il dottor Fritz ha anche menzionato di passaggio. Avevo sentito parlare di trapianti di microbiota fecale (TMF) anni fa come un trattamento forse efficace per PD, SM, Alzheimer e morbo di Crohn. Un campione di feci di un donatore ben schermato viene filtrato e liofilizzato in modo da mantenere vitale il contenuto microbico ma rimuove il pericolo di contagio, quindi viene impiantato nell’intestino pulito di un paziente. Il paziente, a sua volta, assume il microbioma sano del donatore. La procedura è stata utilizzata efficacemente per C-diff, un disturbo intestinale pericoloso e intrattabile, per anni. Più recentemente è stato provato anche per le malattie del cervello, sulla base di ricerche che suggeriscono che tali malattie hanno le loro origini nell’intestino. (Questo è un argomento per studi clinici, ma descrive bene la teoria e la scienza.)

A metà agosto, un amico ha menzionato la conversazione TMF, me ne sono ricordato, poi mi ha spinto alla ricerca quando mi ha inviato un breve video sul processo. La TMF per PD è attualmente in fase di sperimentazione clinica in diversi paesi, ma passeranno anni prima che dispongano di dati sufficienti per prevedere quando e per chi potrebbe funzionare, quindi ho iniziato a cercare dove potesse essere disponibile su base sperimentale, adesso. Ogni volta che scrivevo una query di ricerca, una clinica a Bratislava si presentava in cima all’elenco.

C’è una opera teatrale meravigliosa a cui ho fatto la regia alcune volte con lo stesso cast dal 1992 al 2002 (inclusa una performance in Lituania, dove ho ottenuto il parassita) ambientata in Cecoslovacchia. Uno dei personaggi menziona Bratislava e l’attrice che l’ha interpretata ha pronunciato la parola con tale disprezzo così perfetto, che non sono riuscito a farmi fare clic sulla clinica di Bratislava per almeno un paio di settimane. Invece, ho trovato una clinica in Inghilterra, e un giorno mentre esploravo il suo sito web ho cliccato su cliniche partner. Uno di questi è l’IPPM a (hai indovinato) Bratislava.

Quindi eccomi qua. Sto in un appartamento splendidamente ristrutturato nel quartiere di Nivy, a circa 45 minuti a piedi dalla clinica (l’ho provato il percorso stamattina). La camminata è piana, non è difficile, e fatta eccezione per gli alberi, piuttosto brutta. In termini di pianificazione civica, Bratislava si sta allontanando dal comunismo mentre allo stesso tempo si agita sotto il pugno del capitalismo. Non sono mai stato in una città così, così mista e così anonima. Sono stato solo ai margini della città vecchia, che a tutti gli effetti è adorabile, quindi approfondirò i rapporti sulla vita nella capitale slovacca nei post successivi, ma sono qui, mi oriento e inizio il spiacevole compito di preparazione (pensa alla colonscopia) per il primo impianto di domani, in tre ore. È adesso di comprare quanta più acqua posso trasportare.

Arrivederci per ora – dovidenia zatiaľ.

Repentant Cons

Barbara Cook died recently. And she’s been on my mind.

When the film version of The Music Man came out in 1962, I joined by mother, my aunt, and grandma Lucas – who was my cousins’ grandmother, not mine, but you can never have too many grandmothers – on a rare trip to San Jose’s Fox Theater. It was a glorious old place that with its décor kept audiences at least as entertained before and after anything was projected on its screen, as during. We went to a matinee, and the house was packed.

I was already a Shirley Jones fan, and her portrayal of Marian the librarian convinced me that it was for good reason, too. And as an extra bonus, thanks to her appearance in the movie, I became a Hermione Gingold fan. She was – as this twelve-year-old film critic declared immediately afterwards to his relatives who had no idea what he was talking about – the best character actress of our time.

Me, my aunt, and my mom all loved the show. Grandma Lucas’ take was somewhat different.

“Oh, the music is nice and it was pleasant to look at, and the acting is good, but the story is just awful.” When pressed as to why she had thought this, she explained, “A con man comes to town, the girl he’s courting knows he’s a con man, and she takes his side anyway. Then as soon as there is good evidence against him that he’s not at all who he claims to be, he cons them all again. I just don’t think it’s a good story.”

This caused an instant and insuperable conflict in my pre-adolescent mind, already plagued by a horrible suspicion that I may hold within me an ability to fake my way through anything.

We left the theatre in relative silence. Once she was behind the wheel of her Ford Galaxy, grandma Lucas next to her in the front passenger seat, my aunt decided to address her mother’s misgivings. “Well, you know, we didn’t see a transformation, or at least we were treated to very little of his change, but at the end he does change.”

“Oh, he seems to change, but that’s just because he wants the girl,” her mother countered.

“Well, maybe, but I don’t know. He has the children play Beethoven, and they’re not very good, but they do pretty well for beginners. He’s brought music into their lives. Maybe he came to town as a scam artist, but the town and its librarian altered him. At the end, he’s finding his way into the community as a music teacher, qualified or not, and that is going to make him a better man. He’s settling down, he’s in love, he’s finally bringing joy and life to those around him.”

My aunt, by the way, was an art teacher at a pubic elementary school, beloved by her students. And her name was Marian.

“Well,” countered grandma Lucas, “that may be so, but once a con man, always a con man.” I wondered what had formed her world view – even if not in so many words.

The next four dollars I managed to earn or bluff from my parents went towards the purchase of the original cast album. I was disappointed not to be able to find the sound track, but I guess the wheels of commerce were not as well-greased as they are today, at least not in Sunnyvale, so the Broadway version was all I could find.

However, on my first listen I was shocked to discover that Barbara Cook was better than Shirley Jones. In fact, she was so good that I grew a little angry on her behalf that she hadn’t been cast in the film. It became a minor subject to blow steam about throughout my teenage years.

When I heard this week that Ms. Cook had died, in the odd way a mind can work, I began to wonder if on her death bed she had replayed the last words of My White Knight – her thirty-five year old self singing “My white knight, let me walk with him where others ride by / Walk and love him till I die, till I die.” It’s a morbid speculation on my part, I know, and strange, but it wouldn’t go away. I sang what little I could remember of the song over and over to myself. Frustrated that the lyrics hadn’t all survived fifty years of memory, I looked them up, and croaked my way through bits of the melody I could recall (it’s pretty sophisticated) until I got to the last phrase. Then I repeated it. Several times. A scratchy but heartfelt memorial to the lady with the elegant voice who first sang it.

Death is the only thing we can really depend on in life. How we regard it, defines who we are. It puts a healthy limitation on our egos, spurs our aspirations, forces us to savor our fellow creatures, and causes us to balance the urgency of making a contribution with a relaxed enjoyment of life. On the other hand, if you spend your life denying life’s one sure thing, you can end up a Con. You con yourself first, then try to con others into seeing things as you do.

Today I put together yet another tomato, onion, and fresh mozzarella (di bufala) salad. I sat down still humming My White Knight and thinking about The Music Man. My humming migrated to Seventy-Six Trombones about four bites into the salad. Suddenly, I heard the song as describing a whole town’s being told for the first time that its children could be collectively wonderful beyond any previous imagining. And I cried all over the salad.

At that moment, I was ignoring the part of the story where Harold Hill tells the town their kids are going to hell in a hand basket thanks to the presence of a pool hall, and that only paying him top dollar for a brass band could save them. Emotion is often a form of selective excitement.

To one degree or another, I’ve chased after excitement all my life. Making theatre is to be always creating some new thing, especially making theatre at the level that I’ve worked in. I marvel at Broadway performers who can craft and then deliver a fresh show, day after day, night after night, four hundred performances, or more. I never worked on Broadway or toured. For thirty-five years every month or two brought with it a new project. Novelty fed excitement, and excitement fed me.

Then the novelty/excitement continuum began to lose its charm. I decided to move to Orvieto. At first, I told myself I would test the waters here by limiting my stay to seven months; merely an exploration to be reversed should it not go well. Predictably, those months were filled with excitement, discovery, and novelty. This was a new culture, a fabulous adventure, and hugely educational. So, I determined to rent a smallish house with a garden in the center of town to see if I could make a home. I borrowed an image from Hindu tradition – where the last third of life is a retreat from what has propelled you during the first two-thirds – and called it my hut in the forest. My next ten months in town were a somewhat more relaxed version of the first seven.

By now, I know the streets, I’ve planted my garden and furnished my house. Excitement has become less important, novelty has seeped its way into small corners and cracks. The ease is welcome, but it also brings to the surface old conflicts, long-hidden, like the childhood fear that my better angels could be easily overtaken by a talent for being able to fake my way through almost anything.

I hope I have never been a true fake on the long term, but I have lately noticed lazy habits of thought and action that suggest fakery still come into play from time to time. For example, in learning Italian I’ve noticed a tendency to believe that I can bluff Italians into thinking I speak well. That is manifestly impossible, but part of me is surprised when it doesn’t work. I’ve often wondered if by giving my talents as an actor short shrift among my other career choices was a mistake. I wonder if my quasi faith in fakery stems from having failed to provide it a healthy and proper outlet.

Whatever. I’m writing plays, and can imagine some day I might rejoin a theatrical effort. But sometimes the playwrighting seems – aside from the joy it brings – to be primarily an exercise in avoiding despair. What are the chances that these scripts I lavish so much time on will ever be appreciated by another human being? From time to time, a friend may read one of them, but who is actually going to spend money to put one on stage? And will any of my plays ever be good enough to cause anyone to want to try? When faced with those doubts, I turn to the Con.

But is refusing to face the possible futility of artistic effort any different from refusing to acknowledge the end of life? And doesn’t the same set of options follow? Admit that my time spent may be for nothing and write anyway, or con myself into imagining greatness, then spend more time coning others into agreement than I give to the act of creation itself? These two years in Orvieto, learning to embrace its wonderful and complex community, have engendered in me a healthy mistrust of the Con.

Gradually, the conflict grandma Lucas’ review of The Music Man created in me fifty-five years ago unravels. Will loving and cherishing a community make Harold Hill a more genuine person? Regards my personal Con, I think I’m with aunt Marian on the answer to that question; yes.  Regards Cons in general, current events seem to have proven grandma Lucas right; once a Con, always a Con.

Until Next Time

Somewhere, I have pictures of me when I was a baby being held by the lady next door. She was Italian by birth, had immigrated some thirty years prior, and I grew up on the sacks of fruits and vegetables she brought to us from her huge garden. Because her husband spoke only Italian, and most of her closest friends where Italian as well, her English never much improved past what she had learned in her late twenties. But everyone who knew her loved and respected her. Living in Orvieto reminds me of my Italian neighbor, not because she was Italian, rather because she was our neighbor. And our friend.

My first series of essays on this blog was titled Postmark, Orvieto, and at some point I subtitled it, an outsider’s view from the inside. When last September rolled along and it felt time to begin posting again, I titled the current series of posts; Alla Rupe – Making a Home in Orvieto. Looking back, those titles are spot on accurate. My first seven months were viewed from a distance; I was amazed, bemused, and astonished to be here at all. These last ten months have indeed been about making a home here, both physical and emotional.

This afternoon, I went to the supermercato and Aldo’s natural foods emporium. I said something to the young man with the world’s warmest smile at the former that caused him mild bewilderment. I said something to Aldo that made him laugh. I’d no intention of causing either shock or mirth, but am learning to be gracious and accept whatever response I get.

I heard an interview a week or so ago. The man speaking related how he asks God for one thing only; a daily humiliation. His prayer is always rewarded, and with great speed. He used the word “humiliation” with conscious exaggeration. “An opportunity for learning humility” may have been closer to his intention, but I still prefer the way he said it, and personally relate to both the need, and the usually rapid delivery – though for me one humiliation a day would be a kind of drought.

After buying a few things at Aldo’s I walked towards my house. Romina (as in Antonny and Romina of Blue Bar) was pushing their son Leonardo in a stroller. Antonny’s mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. It’s everywhere, including her liver. She’s not very old. Romina and Antonny’s friends have been urging him to visit her in Brittany since he let her condition be known, and he finally went last week. Today, I was told she had died, so offered Romina my condolences. “She’s not dead.” Oh. I’m so glad to hear that! How is she, then? “The same. It’s very serious, and I’m glad Antonny was able to see her, talk with her, be with her. It was good for both of them.” We agreed.

As I turned the corner onto Via delle Pertiche, I noticed that the weeds growing between the paving stones seemed fewer, somehow. It had been on my mind to pull them, or scald them, for weeks, but I always put it off to City maintenance. I glanced up the street. Two of my neighbors were going into their apartment. We exchanged greetings. As they went in, they revealed Renzo (my second floor neighbor) pouring gas into his weed whacker. I wondered who did that, I told him. But of course, Renzo!  Who else?  He laughed and invited me to lunch tomorrow – if he gets off early from work.

As I turned back towards my house, Mariana (my first floor neighbor) was coming towards me with her black Lab, Polgo, who began pulling on his leash as soon as he saw me. He jumped and twisted and played while I petted and scratched his head and chin. He’s beautiful, I said. “Thanks. I think so, too.” And very friendly. “Yeah, maybe a little too friendly.” We all laughed, Polgo included. Polghissimo! We all laughed again.

My Italian is pretty rough. And as my spoken language skills are unpredictable, even in English, I’m fairly positive that I sound like a dolt at least half the time. But I’m not trying to make a home in this town anymore; it is home. I live here. I brought Renzo and Patrizia a bag full of fresh lettuce from my garden, yesterday.

Her name was Annie Musso. She had marvelous stories of how she left Italy when she was in her early twenties. My mother often told me I had to write about her one day. So shortly after I arrived here a year and a half ago, I started a play inspired by her memory. All the writing of it has been done here, in Italy, in Orvieto. She was from near Torino, so the circle isn’t as neat as it would be were this a novel, but it’s neat enough. The last part of the play is about her young friend encouraging her to return to Italy to visit her sister before she dies, and to go despite age and obstacles. In real life she did go. Then, forty years later, so did I.

Alla prossima!

Amicizia

I had an appointment with my dentist, Giuseppe, this afternoon. He needed to try the new crown he’s been working on, see how it fits so adjustments could be made before the grand installation next week. I adore Giuseppe, it always surprises me how much. We communicate, even though we barely speak. Today, without my verbally requesting it, communication resulted in his uncovering his mouth while he spoke. Taking down his hygienic mask turned out to be enormously helpful, a major breakthrough.

Giuseppe apologized for his English; “I’m studying French and it makes my mouth go in all the wrong directions.” I apologized for my Italian; “Your English suffers from your study of French, my Italian just suffers, no study necessary.” He smiled, understood it was a joke but I’m not sure the point and fabric of it actually landed.

When the day’s work was almost done, his little boy and wife came in. His wife speaks beautiful English, but after we exchanged a few words, she allowed my attempts at Italian to prevail. His boy and I demonstrated much the same relationship I have with Giuseppe. We smiled a lot, and tried to communicate in ways not available to us.

At one point earlier I did manage to tell Giuseppe that as he may have an Orvieto accent, I may have difficulty understanding him. He asked if I meant his English or Italian. I told him both. He laughed suddenly and grinned for a long time after. Interestingly enough, almost everything he said from then on was readily comprehensible to me. After Lisa, his wife, and I spoke for a few minutes, Giuseppe told her about our exchange, and I understood every word of that, too.

When I arrived home, my neighbor Marianna was on her balcony with her black Labrador puppy, Polgo. Polgo is, to me, the canine equivalent of Giuseppe; I adore him but rarely see him on the street. I yearn to scratch Polgo on the head and snout, tussle his ears, chuck him beneath the chin. He wags and wiggles and sticks his nose through the railings, and although I can be at his level while standing on my stairs, there is no way I can scratch his head from two meters away. So, today, I pulled out a little chair that resides under the balcony, stood on it, and stretching to my fullest ability, was able to touch his nose. He licked, I patted – it was something.

I made a purchase at the ferramenta day before yesterday. I was in a dazed frame of mind all afternoon, I don’t know why. Raffaele added up my tally on a piece of paper. Most shop keepers do that, not because they don’t have a cash register or aren’t going to issue a receipt, but so they can do what Raffaele did next. “Forty!” he exclaimed as he discarded the scrap that had figures adding up to forty-five. I thanked him and, as he had delivered everything already except the four screws held in my hand, I joked that the screws must be gold. No, he said earnestly, the screws are free.

His wife walked in with their new baby boy, in carriage. I said hello to her but neglected the baby, bid my farewells and scurried out. Raffaele was cheerful and gracious as ever, but he also seemed a bit disappointed. I like that family too much to let it stand, so today I went back for a couple of small items. I was able to thank Raffaele again for his advice, the delivery, and the discount, and huzzah! his wife and il bimbo nuovo were there, too. Reparations were made with joy and celebration.

Another source of huge, inexplicable affection are the people who work at the supermercato, Metà. I adore everyone there. I adore the energy they create, the camaraderie between them. I yearn to be able to joke with them the way they do with each other and with their friends. As it is, I’m lucky if I can comprehensibly ask where the ginger is hiding out.

But something occurred to me a few days ago when I went for provisions: when I focus on the friendship I wish we could have, I miss the one we have. The one we have is heart to heart, needs no particular language, clowning around, or cultural gestures to function. When a couple of the guys go past in their red Ape on a delivery, they honk and wave. My heart explodes, and – as honks are not available to me – I content myself with a wave.

And that last, I hope you know, is a metaphor for the tenor of life in this, my adopted town.

Now and Then

Italy had a kind of open house this past weekend. Nationally, over one thousand historic sites normally closed to the public, were, ostensibly, open for view courtesy of Fondo Ambiente Italiano, or FAI. Fourteen of those were in Orvieto.

“FAI” can be translated as “do it!” I chose to obey.

After a puzzling hour trying to navigate FAI’s vast, complicated, and beautiful website, I downloaded their app.  A few of the historic sites I found listed there stood out; prime among them, Palazzo Simoncelli-Caravajal on Via Malabranca.

One evening in October, 2000 (my first time studying in Orvieto) I strolled in the rain towards Piazza San Giovenale to take in the panorama. I had passed Simoncelli-Caravajal many times. In daylight, through closed windows, you can just barely make out bits of a frescoed ceiling on the piano nobile (in American, the second floor). However, on that night, lights were on, and the view from the street revealed a ceiling riotous with color; beautifully preserved trompe-l’oeil. The windows were open, and someone was playing ragtime on a very good piano.

I stood under my umbrella; rainfall in the medieval quarter, glances of a baroque ceiling, and the loping, heart-beating rhythms of Scott Joplin. The pianist moved from one theme to another as twenty or thirty minutes melted into an instant. When there was finally a pause, I couldn’t help but applaud. Ragtime ceased. For the rest of my stay, the windows remained closed, the lights extinguished, the music absent. I blamed myself, of course, and regretted my impulsiveness.

All these years later, I still hope for ragtime when I pass the palazzo at night.

My friend Kathy lives a few steps from Simoncelli-Caravajal, so I asked if she wanted to join me on a tour. In front of the palazzo, a table with literature was set up alongside banners and knot of people. We were briefed on the building’s historical and architectural heritage. The palazzo – along with all the structures on FAI Orvieto’s weekend list – is the architectural product of the notably proficient Ipolito Scalza. It was stitched together from several medieval structures, ornamented with stone pediments and frames, and unified with plaster and paint. The guide for the pre-tour talk was a young woman, probably a high school student. She spoke with authority, ease, and clarity, then passed us on to the tutelage of another young woman of similar qualities.

We threaded our way upstairs and into a small drawing room. The room contained only one item; a baby grand piano. Could that have been the “very good” piano upon which the anonymous musician had inadvertently serenaded me those sixteen years ago? I like to think so. I gazed at it achingly.  I wished I could play ragtime.

From there, we followed our guide into the grand salon. With the exception of a small patch that had suffered water damage sometime during the last four hundred years, the frescoes are as brilliant and pristine as I imagine they were at their unveiling. The architectural detail is all paint, but is so skillfully applied that even knowing the walls are flat, it’s difficult to believe that nothing is three-dimensional.

The pavement is covered, wall to wall, with a dance floor. That loping music I heard was for dance classes! Perfect.

Kathy and I visited other buildings, but none of them were open. Instead, each had several high-school age guides congregated in front, ready to offer history and analysis. They were relaxed, friendly, and prepared. None of the information they relayed seemed memorized, they showed genuine enthusiasm for their appointed facade, garden, or doorway, and were good-humored, and engaging. The excitement of moving on to the next site became about who we would meet to guide us.

Our final palazzo on Saturday was on Corso Cavour. We had just been given a thorough analysis of the facade of Palazzo Gualterio; how the grand entrance door had been moved from Palazzo Buzzi across town, and re-installed here. And how the deprived Buzzi then purchased another door to be moved from a third palazzo to install in its place. The guide pointed out all the ways the archway doesn’t fit into Scalza’s facade: the flanking windows are too close to the door frame, the cornice work on the facade breaks stride as it crosses the balcony, its height interferes with the second order of window frames, and so on. Then, because we asked where the palazzo on Cavour was located, she offered to walk us there.

We were greeted by another articulate and poised young woman who sported a variety of piercings. She guided us through an examination of the facade of Palazzo Guidoni, specifically noting its maritime imagery; shells, ropes, starfish, waves. The palazzo was supposed to have been open, she told us, but the contessa who lives there was not feeling well.

At that point, our guide turned us over to a young man in a yellow leather jacket who continued her story in English.  He announced that in lieu of a tour with a healthy contessa, he had photographs. The grand ballroom we could not enter is surmounted by an actual dome of which there is no evidence from the exterior, and his photos showed it magnificently decorated with frescoes in pristine condition.

On Sunday, the only accessible interior we hadn’t seen was in Palazzo Monaldeschi. Until recently, the palazzo served as the Liceo Artistico, High School of the Arts. I’d passed the building many times, and on all sides, but had never understood that the various entrances all lead into the same interior.

To the south of the building, there is a large, fenced yard. At its head is a much-maligned, two-story arcade.  That is flanked by architectural motley and distressed remnants of other arcades that offer little evidence of having been built according to a coherent plan. Opening directly onto the street to the west is an elegant and compact facade typical of Scalza. That design is carried off towards the east along another street.

The street entrance opens onto a large, decaying, interior courtyard, which, in its pre-high school days, may have been a cloister garden. The modern improvements are in worse shape than the bits of original structure that still show. We climbed stairs, followed a series of corridors, and were suddenly confronted by a grand salon with magnificent frescoes, which, to the right, surround an enormous fireplace. From there we moved into a pair of smaller rooms with coffered wood ceilings, a painted frieze below them, and below that the ugliest florescent light fixtures in history, now defunct.

It is filled with such interesting contrasts, this town, once the seat of popes and of wealth and power. It lives among its relics, converting them as needed to sustain their usefulness, never quite restoring them, but neither are they allowed to fall into ruin.

Guiding us through these shadows of former epochs, were beautiful, kind, articulate, poised, and stylishly dressed children of a time unimaginably different from the one they described. The highest thrill of those two afternoons of facades and ballrooms was not the masterworks of other ages, but the ease with which our young guides stepped across the chasm that separates them from their cultural past. They represent a treasure as wondrous as anything under the ailing contessa’s painted dome.