Wednesday, April 5
Something has shifted. The symptoms go marching on (for the most part) but I suddenly feel more open – energetically – less cautious, more emotionally relaxed.
I’ve been asking Friend for several weeks if and when to proceed to turning off biological pause (which needs to happen after turning off Type I), and always received the same response: “you could safely start now, but wait at least until May.”
Friday, April 7
To my question of last Sunday (how does one know when Type I (self-induced) PD is turned off?) Janice replied: “when your heart is always overflowing with gratitude instead of self-assessment, then type I has turned off.” I bristled at the answer, a sure sign that it hit home. Yesterday, I convinced myself that Wednesday’s “shift” was an illusion. Today, I was graced with the shift again, and that revealed exactly what Janice was talking about. The day was characterized by a lightness and freedom that allowed me to accept the symptoms as a necessary part of recovery; exactly as they lie and regardless of whether or not I understand their progression. There is joy everywhere. And pushing for speed in recovery is not only inutile, it is counter-productive.
Saturday, April 8
I slept extremely well last night, yet when I reclined for what I thought would be a twenty minute nap after lunch, it lasted ninety!
Friend keeps knocking at the door of my heart, and although sometimes I am not listening, he is very patient and forgiving.
The day turned lovely, and my Ukrainian friends are extraordinarily kind.
I crave communication! Typing is trending easier, so if that continues I hope to get back to writing. It feels so close!
Sunday, April 9
Last night I watched the 1971 film of Fiddler on the Roof. It’s a masterpiece – damn near perfect. In fact, Chaim Topol’s Tevye is perfect; grounded, human, spot on in every moment. I later looked him up. He died exactly one month ago last night. All honor to his memory.
My feet are bouncy today. I don’t know if this is a trend or an outlier, and I am so curious to know which it might be that I’m not hearing Friend’s answer to the question. Either way, it feels like a good thing.
The weather today leaned far enough towards spring that this morning people were dressed in Easter colors. By evening, after several hours of a chill wind, the palette reverted to blacks and browns, but the streets were still festive.
I slept well last night and dozed my way through the afternoon. Walking around the house was more fluid than usual, and walking away from home improved throughout the day. Typing is possible, but I am unable to motivate working on my book, submitting plays, or studying Italian. I’ll try harder.
Buona Pasqua!
גוט פּסח
Monday, April 10
My feet remained bouncy until this morning, then while walking on the sagrato, not so much. But at times last night I felt really relaxed – bouncy feet, arms moving, turning and changing direction without agonizing every move.
I slept well from 01:00 until 06:30 when I suddenly could not drag my leaden body into a comfortable position. So, I gave up and got up. As a consequence, I dozed away most of the afternoon.
Looking back on my life I see an ongoing conflict between my head and my heart (pretty normal, I suspect, but it played out in an exaggerated way). I believe that Janice’s advice earlier this week is about an internal adjustment that gives the heart a greater advantage (overflowing with gratitude) over the head (self-assessments). I’m trying to allow that shift. Friend approves.