Tuesday, January 17
In a mirror image of yesterday, I slept well until 05:30 then never again. Again raw energy, but as we were preparing to go out for a walk it ran out and I slept instead of walking.
Two general positives, the stabbing pains in my feet were a regular and frequent feature and have essentially gone away (I had one last night and that reminded me of how rare they have become). And getting out of bed gets easier every night, sometimes startlingly so.
Wednesday, January 18
Slept well, but not enough and was sleepy most of the day. Yesterday my left hand was plagued by sharp (but not stabbing) pains, but this morning there were none. Today I woke with a sore jaw, but by Thursday midday it was fine.
Thursday, January 19
Slept a straight eight, but was sleepy anyway. A short nap after lunch did not help, zombified, I struggled to walk or move. I imagined that shiatsu would help, but the session provoked a lot of restless leg syndrome, and as soon as it was over, all my muscles tensed and stayed that way. I expected the evening walk to be a disaster, but it wasn’t bad.
Friday, January 20
It was difficult going to sleep, and once sleep became sweet it was time to get up. Poverty of movement typified most of the day. It was hard not to nap, but when I gave in to it, I had to suffer the zombificated consequences. However during a post nap pacing of the hall intended to reverse the worst effects of zombie nap, I had several symptom reducing flashes of safety, longer and more distinct than before, and it was clear that I always have the safe path as an option, but aside from the flashes I cannot make the choice real… yet. Walking was okay but both times I ran out of steam at about the fifth lap.
The left ankle hurts.
Saturday, January 21
The safe flashes lengthened today and clearly showed themselves as a matter of choice, rather than involuntary happenstance. My imagination characterizes the flashes as “clean sheets of paper”, and during these periods, symptoms are reduced a bit, but most remain, the difference being that the entire state of mind associated with symptoms (PD, not recovery) is secondary to the sheet of paper rather than dominant.
Roundup: food is more flavorful than it has been in memory, even when I’m not paying attention. Occasionally I smell something, at random. The pain in my left ankle is gone today. Janice tells me that plopping into a chair is a recovery symptom; I’m plopping again, but not as heavily as before.
I feel astonishingly myself, as if a mask I didn’t know I was wearing has suddenly fallen away.
(from Recovering from Parkinson’s by Janice Hadlock)
“Not only might your doctor, friends, and family unwittingly push you into a negative mindset with their comments such as, ‘Well, you still drag your foot, so you’re obviously not getting better,’ but you yourself, your own mind, will be constantly attracted to the comfortable familiarity of saying, ‘I’m not recovering: I’m just kidding myself.’
A person can develop a powerful mental habit of doubt during the years of being on pause. Even after pause turns off, the mental habits of pause, the reinforced brain wiring you’ve created that supports negative thinking, might still be well established. Months, maybe years of retraining might be needed before your brain habits are firmly rerouted into something closer to the range of normal positive attitudes. During recovery, doubting that the recovery is real is very common, due to the long-running mental habit of being negative and skeptical.”
Sunday, January 22
I was up every forty-five minutes last night until about 07:15 when I finally got comfortable (the position felt simple) and I slept like a baby… for two hours. Needless to say I’ve not been very much in form today. On a positive note, a flurry of short staccato shuffles as I approached the bed just now reminds me to say that I rarely do that or lose control of speed anymore, whereas six months ago it was an hourly occurrence. Also, about all those times getting out of bed by bending at the waist and rolling off, they would have been impossible a few weeks ago. Less happily, the clean sheet of paper was glimpsed today but never became of state of being as it did yesterday. That’s okay, that will cycle around.
Typing is awful.
Monday, January 23
Slept okay last night. As usual moving about the apartment was harder than walking the garage, and the garage was not great. Both morning and evening walks were difficult and a bit boring.
The clean sheet of paper is hovering in the background.
If I could type more easily I would write about the invisible friend adjustment, but while typing is better than yesterday, it still chokes inspiration and obliterates style, so that tale can wait.