Tuesday, September 21
Both walks were on par with what has become the expected, the evening walk was a little bit easier. In between passeggiate I experienced the same discomfort I’ve been having for the past few days; all my muscles want to move and to stretch. I’ve been trying to do armchair yoga, as should I get down on the mat I’ll be there until someone comes along to pick me up, and it helps. But after an hour or so of sitting (watching a movie, for instance) I want to do jumping jacks – and I can’t. I’m trying to take this as a positive sign that my brain/muscle connections are waking up, but sometimes the urge to move is so intense I have to push pause and walk in circles. The same phenomenon keeps me awake at night. I suspect that babies go through this (my suspicions are fueled by Janice’s observations) and between the way Roman takes care of me and the fact that I have to learn basic physical skills like walking, I do feel like an infant all over again. It is rather wonderful when I can surrender to it, and it allows me to work through childhood annoyances of being fussed over. With apologies to my dear, sweet mother, I now understand why she fussed, why I rebelled, and now have a chance to re-accept that fussing as an expression of love.
Wednesday, September 22
I felt unusually agile and quick from rising to leaving the apartment. Sometime between leaving and walking things went south. We took a gift of wine to my former neighbor Giancarlo, and I found the language issues to be stressful, in part because I got parked in the sun and at a right angle to Giancarlo, so I couldn’t see him directly, and there were masks. Can such a simple thing create fatigue and physical/neural change? I don’t know, but I think that self-consciousness can. The first half of morning walk was extremely difficult, the second half was more like the walk I’ve come to expect; largely perfect feet and not over much effort. But I was pretty tired by the time I met Valerie for lunch. Evening walk was perfect for the first quarter lap, then I quickly wore out and struggled through until lap five when the gait began to smooth, again. But I didn’t allow frustration to get the better of me, and kept in mind that I deserve to recover… and will. We stopped in Piazza Sant’Andrea and watched a delicate, absolutely gorgeous, sunset; rich blue sky with wispy orange clouds.
Thursday, September 23
The real story these days is to not allow variation and expectation to spawn frustration. Not with sleeping, nor with speaking, and especially not with walking. The morning walk was mostly smooth. It got a bit sloppy in the turns between laps because there were seven or eight cats in the piazza and Roman and I got a bit distracted trading favorite cat stories, but it was good being able to walk and talk together and to do both acceptably well. In other news, my right shoulder hurts a lot. The evening walk was distracted until the sixth lap, then everything was perfect feet through the end of lap eight. In yet other news, for the past four or five days I’ve experienced periods of intense pins and needles in various areas of my body (sometimes, almost everywhere). I mention this because Recovery from Parkinson’s suggests that pins and needles in this repeated fashion is a sign of the nervous system waking up, or correcting itself. These last few months have convinced me that the body is always striving for health and balance. How we treat ourselves moment to moment determines how successful the body is in its healing. I began this adventure with PD with a persistent image of its being like an old, rotting coat, that once acknowledged for what it is can be removed and discarded. I still feel that way. Medical science, so effective for so many ailments and conditions, I think is wrong on this one. I will persist in removing the rot unless I am convinced otherwise.
Friday, September 24
Morning walk was mediocre, about the same indoors and out as yesterday evening. Was very tired by the time I got home, napped briefly, had lunch, napped another half hour or so. It would be an overstatement to say I was therefore refreshed, but it took away the desperate fatigue. Did paperwork during the afternoon quite comfortably, a remarkable change. Katrin did body work late afternoon, said muscles were loose, no significant sign of rigidity. Evening walk was almost flawless, and I was not at all tired afterwards. The instant I came indoors, gait became shuffling and cramped – something to do with being forced to take small steps. For the past few months, I’ve been looking back at my younger self (even just four or five years ago, but mostly further) and am astonished at how much anger I carried with me. How did I stand it? How did anyone stand me? I guess I didn’t display it much, so it rarely rose above annoyance or impatience, but it was there, and a lot. On a certain level, I’m amused. And better to be amused or I carry the anger into the future, only turned against myself.
Saturday, September 25
The morning walk was more or less like yesterday morning’s walk, not perfect but in the main pretty good. Then we went to the market, dodged large groups of tourists, and by Piazza Repubblica I was tired. I napped for about a half hour before lunch, and tried to nap again afterwards but RLS returned about a week ago, and today it kept me awake. Evening walk was about the same as morning, periods of perfect feet, some shuffling in between, but good posture throughout. By the way, the pain in my right shoulder has subsided, but pins and needles rage on, several times a day.
Sunday, September 26
Fifty/fifty walk this morning. Both movement and voice were strong until we left the house, then each encounter with others became more of a challenge and a drain on energy. By the time we returned home, I was exhausted. I slept for a half hour before lunch, together they had a restorative effect. I spent most of the afternoon re-reading sections of Recovery from Parkinson’s. For awhile, I wished I could travel to Santa Cruz for a month or two of personal sessions with Janice; I thought it might resolve a few basic questions with my relationship to the process. Then this evening, a distant fellow traveler reminded me (or called my attention to) four exercises that help speed recovery, just what I had been looking for – it was there all along and hiding in plain sight on page 131. Perhaps my PD habituated brain had blocked them from memory. Regardless of how I missed them, I’m grateful for having found them. Now to practice them without falling asleep!
Monday, September 27
Around 04:30 after having slept well since midnight, I felt the need to move so got up to pace the bedroom for fifteen minutes. There are rugs and things to hold onto, so it is a safe environment to give my legs some exercise. Immediately upon standing there was a sharp pain on the inside of my left foot and ankle, this out of nowhere. I’d not slept on it wrong, it was not a cramp, and it didn’t really work its way free while walking. I was as gentle with it as I could be and kept pacing. When I returned to bed, the pain went away and I slept another three hours. Upon rising this morning, the pain reasserted itself, only it had moved to the outside of the left ankle. By the time we went out for a walk, the pain had moved to the top of the foot and the front of the ankle. It severely inhibited my walking, so we called it quits after three laps (with a rest between each). As I’ve read, recovery can include deferred healing, so this pain might be an unresolved injury from fifty years ago when I was hit by a car and my left foot was in fact injured. Once channel energy is flowing again, the old injury finishes healing and this often means that its symptoms reappear, even after decades. The next few days will tell the tale. Late afternoon saw a return of limpness (a recovery symptom) and while the ankle still hurts, the nature of the pain interferes less with walking, which is a good thing because mixing the two could be problematical.