Wednesday, May 30, 2023
[the following is excerpted from Stuck on Pause by Janice Hadlock]
…In the hours after I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, I tried telling myself not to worry: I had seen people recover from this syndrome. I knew what to do. But louder than any voice of reason was an inner voice that took me by surprise. It kept saying, “I won’t be one of the lucky ones. I won’t recover. I’m different…”
…I actually stopped my pacing and stood stock still. “What if this weird, self-defeating voice is part of the Parkinson’s disease syndrome?” I asked myself… “This attitude is utterly not like my normal personality. What if this new, negative voice has something to do with Parkinson’s disease?”… I just had to wonder, “What if my having Parkinson’s disease is going to help me figure out what’s at the root of the backwards flowing channels and the bizarre mental attitudes of my patients with PD? What a fantastic opportunity for learning about the mental state of people with Parkinson’s!”
I was simultaneously grateful … for the opportunity to further my research by having Parkinson’s myself, and dismayed by what I knew would be the end of my life as I knew it. Because I knew I was not going to recover. I would not be one of the lucky ones. I was wrong, of course, but I couldn’t know that at the time.
…I had always been displeased when patients wallowed in self-pity and negativity. It was obvious that their own attitudes could prevent them from healing. But that’s what I was doing now! Deeply concerned by my new, negative attitude, I decided that I must immediately go into my meditation room … until I was absolutely grateful for the life-cards I was being dealt… A few hours later, I no longer had Parkinson’s disease. I also no longer had any interest in being strong, stoic, and independent to the point that I was apart from humanity.… Those things suddenly felt like distant history.
I quote this because it is in many ways similar to my experience. I have periods of being almost proud of my PD symptoms, so attached am I to my own suffering. But lately, the daily periods of joy leave me indifferent to the symptoms. I realize that I am actually quite healthy and that the symptoms are a part of the process of balancing a system that has been distorted for decades, and my heart stands clear and pure and ready.
PS – I’m back to working on my novel. Slowly, slowly, but daily.