At some point this afternoon while I was sitting on the edge of my bed, I spontaneously experienced the five steps of turning off Pause; a “hug” from my Friend, full body tremble leading to feeling safe, a deep breath, head wobble/shudder, a thrill of energy up the spine. The experience was involuntary and very strong. Where to put this episode in relation to being on Pause is unclear to me, but it was undeniably significant.
Janice’s response to this event was: “your spontaneous Five Steps means that, the most recent time you automatically, from habit, turned pause back on, your brain, with no input from your conscious mind or any ‘techniques’, said to itself, ‘oh. we can turn off pause. there’s no danger here.'”
Then there is this from Janice in response to last week’s report.
“…when you go limp this last week, you’re able to accept it with bemusement, not terror. that’s really the difference. you are using a different personality to deal with life. that’s the real recovery. the symptoms, they are not the measure of your change. the ability to say ‘ha! and now i am limp.’ without having an emotional self-attack, that’s what’s really important. the symptoms will go away as fast as they can, once you are no longer using pause.”
This makes total sense to me and jives with my experience. Huzzah!
Wednesday, October 12
I’ve been doing a kind of medical qigong on the left knee and ankle, and both are better. Walking today was lighter and easier. Roman was in a very silly mood, which was also nice.
This pretty much sums up how I feel about living in Orvieto – We are happy from ORVIETO
Thursday, October 13
I felt better today in terms of movement than I have for a long time. Nobody is going to ask me to dance or run a race, but from my perspective the improvement is huge. Also agility is smoother; putting in hearing aids, showering (with help, but also with pleasure), putting on glasses, rising from a chair. I can actually feel that I am not using Pause mode at all, and the result is silky and pleasant, which I guess is the natural state of those not on Pause, but to one who has been on Pause for who knows how long, it feels like a miracle.
Walking shows great promise, typing is in a world of its own (some good, some not so much).
Friday, October 14
This day left intentionally blank (too busy). Except! I moved to Orvieto seven years today. In many ways it seems a lifetime.
Saturday, October 15
I can feel that I am off Pause, can catch myself leaning towards it by habit, and can choose not to go there. Staying off Pause most often results in a moderation of symptoms, but not always. It does, however, create a lightness of being which is very encouraging. And symptoms are gradually releasing their grip, overall.
By evening I was feeling a tad restless. Then Natalia came and took me on a gradually expanding walk through town. It was hard towards the end but I stayed off Pause and was not too tired afterwards. And my right arm, which tenses up while walking, stayed relatively (not completely) relaxed. And while the streets were crowded, the activity didn’t’ freak me out, like it usually does.
(from Stuck on Pause 2022 by Janice Hadlock)
“Stories abound of saints who are unharmed by, who even play with, animals that are usually considered highly dangerous. This is because those saints feel safe. Their feeling of safety has nothing to do with any logical assessment of the odds for physical safety in a given situation.
“If the self-induced pause habit was used for decades, it might have become deeply entrenched. If so, then even after turning off self-induced pause for the first time, the person might find himself reverting into self-induced pause mode again in response to even a mild emotional or physical upset: if the phone rings, or if someone knocks on the door. If this is the case, the person might need to turn off self-induced pause repeatedly over a few months or years, until he starts solidifying the new habit of feeling safe. When that habit can be invoked on command, he can destroy the pause habit and replace it with the new healthy habit.”
A curious phenomenon exhibited itself this evening, a feeling that all movement was confident and fluid, while in reality there was no objective change. The fear and wariness were gone.
Sunday, October 16
That confidence lasted through the night, and reappeared in bursts on our walk from Piazza Gonzago to San Giovenale. (From cliff’s edge the valley was filled with fog, and it gave the illusion of our being high in a plane.)
The feeling of self-generated confidence waxed and waned through the afternoon, then stabilized again come evening. Natalia took me on a tough-love walk to the far edge of Piazza Gonzago – head up! back straight! longer steps! pick up your feet! I understand better why the Ukrainians are winning. Then she gave me supper with polenta, funghi, cingale, and grilled vegetables. I am totally spoiled.
Monday, October 17
I slept nine hours without a break last night!
I’ve a new word for how I’ve felt these past few days; assured. This morning’s walk on the sagrato was smoother than usual, enjoyable, and… I felt assured. Typing is a mess, but it’s not bothering me, just preventing work on projects. Talking and voice are in and out, there is some shakiness, and there is far too much saliva being produced, but I am okay with all of it. Underlying everything is a feeling of safety.