Tuesday, August 2
I slept from midnight to 02:30, then was awake until 06:15 for want of being able to find a comfortable position. Then I saw a thought form; what are you fretting about? Nothing really matters, in the end you’re dead. I let go of that thought, and instantly felt lighter and more fluid, and a single attempt at finding comfort resulted in three hours of sound sleep. Not all symptoms were affected, but the difference was clear. By holding onto the restrictive thinking, I am also choking off the energy needed to rebalance and heal.
In a nutshell Parkinson’s is this: a deficit of dopamine in the part of the brain associated with pleasurable automatic movement (among other things), and a surplus in those parts associated with fear and wariness. A clear example from this morning. Irina wanted me to replicate an exercise she dubbed swan lake, where I grab onto something solid and lift my legs behind me, one at a time. She offered her hands for me to hold, and I could not move my feet at all. She brought in the locked walker and my legs lifted without effort.
From Recovering from Parkinson’s by Janice Hadlock.
“While recovering from Parkinson’s, muscles that had been rigid lose their rigidity and instead became limp and unresponsive.
“Unresponsive is different from ‘weak.’ When you first begin to wake after a deep sleep, you become aware that you are conscious but your muscles might still be limp and unresponsive. Even if you are in perfect health […] your muscles will be limp as you feel the first stirrings of consciousness. After […] a few minutes, as the mid-brain resumes running awake-time electrical currents with steadily increasing amperage, the brain’s automatic motor function, which has been disconnected during sleep, reconnects. You begin to imagine moving a muscle or two, and suddenly, you can move.”
I am strongly experiencing limpness, and have to be able to hold that in context, not to slide into fear that symptoms have been worsening or expectations that they will improve on my timetable. I experience complete immobility for several minutes after sleep, so it stands to reason that after several decades of mock-death, there would be a similar period of gradual resumption of brain function.
Wednesday, August 3
I did the destroy habits routine recommended by Janice. I don’t know if there was a connection, but I also slept well on Wednesday night.
Thursday, August 4
In fact, I went from three to five hours a night plus a short nap or two, to seven hours and another three hours of sleep during the day. And I was able to roll over and easily find comfort in bed. At the same time, I have been Super Limp all day, but continue internally happy and calm. Typing is amusing. Friend says “hello”.
We stopped at Blue Bar for a morning spremuta. Antonny told us that his son (who is nine, and a fine lad) sold his old toys to raise a hundred euro for Ukrainian charities. Irina cried first, but I was soon to follow.
I was sleepy all day until after supper.
Friday, August 5
So, I did the exercise for eliminating the pause mode habit on Wednesday, and last night slept a straight eight in comfort. Today I realize what a bean-counter I have been; keeping tally on symptoms as if they caused themselves. This morning’s walk on the sagrato was no example of perfect form, but I felt lighter, I didn’t fall into pause mode because of the shambling and shuffling, and I felt the difference. I have to relearn to walk not using the pause mode override, instead of cycling through from shambling to striding, then crashing when I can no longer sustain the effort. So, today was major, even if a casual bystander would not have noticed a difference.
Saturday, August 6
I slept well and without waking during the night, turning over and changing position without difficulty. Walking around the apartment before going out had that same loose quality that I enjoyed yesterday, but by the time we were to leave I was overcome with fatigue (or limpness and sleepiness) and had to doze in a chair for ten minutes. Walking the garage was initially loose and fairly easy, but I quickly tired. Friend said on Thursday that the next few days I should be prepared for significant changes and not to let them freak me out; they will be for the good. On one hand it seems a vivid demonstration of choosing other than pause mode when faced with physical challenge, and I felt strongly that was happening before we headed out. On the other, both options remained open and I’m not yet familiar enough with how they are chosen to feel secure. At various times today I have experienced exactly what Janice describes for this phase of recovery, but I can’t find a quote and cannot put words to it myself.
Sunday, August 7
I slept well until six, then returned the sack of (potatoes instead of gravel – a slight improvement). Walking the sagrato was not easy but in fairly good form. Then I took an hour nap before lunch which left my muscles so unresponsive that I want to avoid naps for the rest of the day. Agility is up, and after pacing the hall for twenty minutes, so is mobility.
“Those who recovered did it in response to their own steady work and changes in understanding. Please know, for those of my patients who have recovered, I might have been the witness, but I was never the ‘curer.’” (from Stuck on Pause by Janice Hadlock)
Monday, August 8
For reasons unknown, I’ve always placed my Friend so he was sort of looking over my left shoulder. Well, last night he took up residence in my heart. That feels better.
Today, I feel terrific, just my body has to catch up. I’m waiting. In the meantime, I can do nothing with ease.