Tuesday, November 16
I woke at six after having slept straight (as far as I can recall) from midnight. I tried to sleep more, but gave up at six-thirty, paced the hall for awhile, tried the recliner, gave up again. Then I paced the hall again and after five or six laps fell into a perfectly normal stride and was able to maintain it (mostly) for twenty minutes or so. I rested ten minutes and tried pacing again, but it took several more reps before I could regain that smooth and silent gait. There was some pain in the left ankle but not much. All things considered, it was an interesting early morning (and typing this has been elegant).
Fast forward about an hour and a half, we’re ready to go to the garage for a rainy weather walk. I’m expecting to start out a little sore with the left foot which will work its way out and reward me with the normal stride of this morning, but just getting to the front door was so painful, I instantly had my doubts. By the time we got to the garage, my foot hurt while sitting, and our efforts at an indoor promenade came to nothing. What a difference an hour and a half makes.
After changing into at-home garb, I napped for a half hour and was barely able to get to the kitchen for the pain. I napped another hour after lunch, and managed to get to the study afterwards with a little less pain, but not much.
Typing continues elegant.
We began yin tui na at about 14:45. The ankle was very sore, walking to open the front door was difficult. Candace adjusted placement of hands to cover the most painful areas. I immediately felt considerable heat from her hands, and my arms and chest quickly became shaky and tight. The left leg seemed to display restless leg syndrome, but with only two exceptions, it only tightened, there was never a jumpy release. After about twenty minutes I checked to see if I felt safe. The answer was a strong “no!” so I asked her to lighten the touch. She did and there was an improvement in safety, but the tension and shakiness in arms and chest (and left leg) continued. I asked for an adjustment again about ten minutes later, and she reported that she was just barely touching me. The left leg became extremely uncomfortable, so I asked to switch legs for a few minutes. Nothing really changed, so she switched back to the left leg and a short while after, we ended the session. Candace reported that she felt none of the small releases that were present the last two sessions.
I was so tense and shaky for the next ten or fifteen minutes I could barely move. The ankle still hurt while walking, maybe not quite as intensely as before, but close.
Typing is better than I expected it to be, but no longer elegant. About a half hour has passed since we closed session. The tension gradually abated, and I was able to do ten rainy-weather laps in the garage; painful but tolerable.
Wednesday, November 17
An early morning pacing of the hallway featured only light pain in the ankle and worked wondrously well as a sleep aid. When I dragged myself out of bed for real a couple of hours later, the ankle screamed its objection. I don’t understand.
There was no morning walk today, instead I prepared for a lesson in Alexander technique. The first hour was fairly familiar stuff about alignment, wonderfully taught. Monika, the teacher, also mentioned that she had recently discovered the Parkinson’s Recovery Project, so we compared notes on that for awhile. The final fifteen minutes were face up on a massage table. Five minutes into it my arms and chest tensed up and my legs began to clench and twitch. It became extremely uncomfortable. Monika assured me that I was safe, I told her about being hit by a car fifty years ago and the injuries sustained (for more on this – http://davidzarko.us/WP/2021/03/08/). Each injury showed up all over again, similar to yesterday’s reaction to yin tui na. Tonight, I am exhausted so we did only four laps on the sagrata. To be continued.
Thursday, November 18
I slept extremely well with only one wakeful period of about 30 minutes which I spent pacing the hall. I realize that for me it is extremely important to shed the notion that sleep can only be healthy if it occurs as eight uninterrupted hours. Several years ago I read how research has revealed that historically the eight-hour night became an accepted standard only during the industrial revolution. Before that sea-change in human behavior, it was considered normal to divide the night into first, second, and even third sleeps. So, that I sleep well and spend twenty to thirty minutes once or twice during the night doing something other than sleeping is not a contradiction, and releases me from unnecessary anxiety.
When I paced during a pause last night, my left ankle was sore but not disabled. When I walked from bedroom to kitchen shortly after waking, the pain was debilitating. Normally when that’s the case, the muscles relax during the time at table eating breakfast. Today, they would have none of that. Consequentially, walking the sagrata proved almost impossible.
Before the walk, my right arm was notably quiet and relaxed (it tremors and is often clenched in some way). When I tried walking, the pain sent “unsafe” signals to my brain and the arm would begin to tighten and shake. When I observed that, it became so obvious that all of my PD symptoms are rooted in habitual fear and contraction. This was encouraging and freeing information, because habits – even decades-long habits – can be released.
When I got home I fell deeply asleep in the recliner while Yuri made lunch, as if I’d not slept in weeks and even though I’d done very little physical exercise; once again, my brain is working hard to reconnect healthy channels and seizes upon rest like a hungry animal.
The evening walk was much easier than has been recently the case. The ankle hurt but less so. The gait was relatively quiet, though I have noticed that it is often more confident and stately at the beginning of a lap, while at the end it often degenerates into a bunch of tiny and rushed shuffles.
Friday, November 19
The morning walk was a bit better than it has been recently, and wore me out as has lately been the case. Still, we did five laps, not all shuffling, ankle pain was reduced, and the stride was more or less regular.
Candace did another yin tui na session. She started on the foot and about halfway through moved to the left knee. There were periods of calm but mostly I was profoundly uncomfortable and disturbed. I was less formal about it, but stopped short of screaming and writhing. At some point I felt as if my head were to explode.
Evening walk, ten laps and regards quality about two-thirds of the way back to where it was two weeks ago. Congratulations all around.
Saturday, November 20
The morning walk leaned a bit further towards regaining what was normal two weeks ago. Ankle pain is almost gone, and I was again able to treat the experience as relearning how to walk rather than failing to walk well. I’m reminded of Janice’s metaphor of rebuilding after a war; after hostilities cease, the real work begins. It is much more demanding of time and effort to construct than it is to destroy, and sometimes partially damaged structures have to fall to open up space for rebuilding. That’s where I am now. For all that, I really feel good, am lucky to have wonderful caregivers and friends, and enjoy being wheeled around. And I don’t mind at all not having to cook or clean up. I’ll be happy to have my independence back someday, but in the meantime I like the life I’m living.
Afternoon meditation included a symptom-free interlude of some minutes about half way through, as it often does. That was surrounded by a rather uncomfortable mass of twitching and tension. Moving about the apartment beforehand was like walking on pea gravel, afterwards like walking on a ship in slightly un-still water. Don’t worry, I am very careful.
The evening walk was a lot like this morning’s, if a bit more difficult.
But I feel good, clear, and dedicated to seeing this thing through – said Orville to Wilbur.
Sunday, November 21
It was foggy on Piazza del Duomo, and the sagrato was a bit slippery. It was also crowded with people going to mass (or maybe tourists, it was hard to know). My ankles hurt a little, and walking was difficult. All those things together equaled two laps and early retirement.
I slept like a stone for twenty minutes when we got home as if I’d done something.
After lunch typing was smooth for like ten minutes, then devolved into chaos and hours later, there it remains. Oh right! I’m in limp mode! That also explains a three lap stroll this evening.
Call it a day off. Except that I’ve been doing a lot of the internal work associated with Recovery, both today and yesterday. I slept a lot last night and have been tired and borderline anxious all day. The work may have put things in motion in unexpected and strange ways.
Monday, November 22
It was damp this morning, so we put in 250 meters in the garage. It wasn’t pretty, but it was exercise – AND there was almost no ankle pain (yin tui na has helped, plus lots of re-association work, yesterday). And I am still fairly limp.
I continued internal work this afternoon despite my feeling groggy and uncomfortable.
The evening walk we took on the sagrato. I shuffled much of the time, and after five laps could feel that shuffling on that rough stone is hard on the ankles. Rain is forecast for the rest of the week, but I think we’ll stick to the garage with its smooth concrete regardless of weather.
Third night in a row of not suffering tightness and discomfort (especially lower body) while watching television. Just sayin’.