A Servant of Two Masters

Beatrice has dressed herself as her brother, Federigo, for reasons too complicated to get into here.  She then claims Pantalone's daughter Clarice as her rightful bride.  Clarice, however, is in love with Silvio, the passionate son of Dottore Lombardi, a family friend.

Beatrice e Clarice. Beatrice and Clarice

Beatrice: Signorina Clarice...

Clarice: Don't touch me! Not even close! Stay!

Beatrice: Is this the way to treat your future husband?

Clarice: You can drag me to the altar by my hand, but you'll never hold my heart.

Beatrice: I understand you're angry with me, but I hope there can still be peace between us.

Clarice: I will despise you forever.

Beatrice: If you knew me as I am, you wouldn't say that.

Clarice: I know who you are. Thief of joy, disrupter of peace, destroyer of...

Beatrice: I have a way of consoling you.

Clarice: Only Silvio can console me!

Beatrice: I can't offer you what Silvio can, but there are other ways I can make you happy.

Clarice: (suddenly losing her poise) Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (to herself) Nobody listens to me!

Beatrice: (to herself) I can't watch her suffer.

Clarice: (to herself) That was probably rude.

Beatrice: Signorina Clarice...

Clarice: (to herself) Never mind. I have a right.

Beatrice: ...may I let you in on a secret?

Clarice: A secret?

Beatrice: I've deceived you. You don't want me as a husband, and I have no intention of marrying you. You love someone else, so do I.

Clarice: You do? You don't?

Beatrice: All you have to do is promise to keep my secret. If you do, then the mysteries I reveal will be a balm for your troubled soul. (Clarice reacts) No, not bomb, balm. With an "L".

Clarice: (a pause, then very excited) I promise to observe the most rigorous secrecy you can possibly imagine. Tell me.

Beatrice: I am not Federigo Rasponi.

Clarice: Wha...?

Beatrice: I'm Beatrice, his sister.

Clarice: You're a woman?!

Beatrice: I sure am.

Clarice: A woman?

Beatrice: And not interested in marriage. At least not with you.

Clarice: And your brother...?

Beatrice: ...really is dead. And my lover may have been the author of his passing. So I must find him, to help him, to forgive him. Clarice, for all that is sacred in friendship, don't give me away. I'm probably foolish to tell this to anyone, but I can't see you so unhappy! And I'm sure you can keep a secret, can't you? And you can keep it well? Good. I would also like to discourage this tendency on Silvio's part of wanting to kill me.

Clarice: Then I should tell him!

Beatrice: (severe) No! Not a word of this to Silvio.

Clarice: Why not?

Beatrice: Never mind. You be more serious about this than you have ever been about anything.

Clarice: I won't tell Silvio.

Beatrice: Do you still hate me?

Clarice: Hate you? No. Now you're my friend! Anything you need from your friend, it's yours before you ask.

Beatrice: Give me your hand.

Clarice: Um... (she hesitates)

Beatrice: I am a woman. Really I am. Do you want proof?

Clarice: It's so convincing, this...

Beatrice: Femininity has never been my long suit, I know. But I'm for real. I just happen to look good in the clothes.

Clarice: Still, you look so... if Silvio were to... you know?

Beatrice: Just touch my hand, then. Friends, always?

Clarice: Always. Friends.

Smeraldina, then Truffaldino.

Smeraldina: Okay, my padron sees me, what do I say? I say... I came looking for him. Sure, that works. His master’s one classy guy, though. What’ll he think of me? I gotta get classy. Quick. (smoothes things and primps, she tries to upclass herself in an instant)

Truffaldino: (with a bottle in hand, carrying a napkin and a glass) Somebody asked me to come out.?

Smeraldina: That was me, signore. [she says: sin-yor-ey] My apologies if this is an inconvenience.

Truffaldino: (seeing her) Oh! (sobering a little) Not at all. I'm completely at your service.

Smeraldina: I interrompted your lunch. I am so distress-t.

Truffaldino: That's okay, I can always go back.

Smeraldina: Really, I am molified.

Truffaldino: No need, this is like desert. I ate a huge lunch, and so now I get a chance to digest a little... in the very pleasant company of a pair of beautiful... eyes.

Smeraldina: (to herself) Talk about elegant!

Truffaldino: Just one more sip, my dear, and I am all yours. (he empties the glass, realizes who he's with, and decides to empty the bottle)

Smeraldina: (to herself) "My dear", that's so cute. (to Truffaldino) My padrona has sent me here with this card for one Signor Federigo Rasponi, you see, but I don't want to be seen going into a hotel, alone and unescorted, with a message, you understand, as it might allow the mistaken impression of impro...pishaty, so I'm discommoding you on the desire that you might deliver... it for me. Since you're his servant?

Truffaldino: I'll take it right to him. (takes the card and starts to go, then sudden courage) But first, I also have message to deliver... to you.

Smeraldina: A message? From who... m?

Truffaldino: Oh, from a gentleman, of course. Have you ever heard of Truffaldin Battoch?

Smeraldina: The appellation is similar but I cannot recollect it with any serenity. (to herself) He's adorable!

Truffaldino: Oh, a very handsome fellow. Of modest stature, a rich dark complexion and a scintillating personality. Endowed with a silver tongue. A paragon of elegance.

Smeraldina: I am positive that should I have ever encountered such a exemptional man, I would not have forgotten.

Truffaldino: And I'm just as sure if he ever... encountered... you, he would fall instantly in love.

Smeraldina: Oh, signore, you flatter me.

Truffaldino: And were he able to entertain a hope of even the smallest reciprocation on your part, such would please him... hugely.

Smeraldina: I assure you, sir, were I to meet him, and were he to speak to me as elogently as you are speaking of him to me, now, I would, detect no pediment, at all, on my part, in providing to him the anticipation of my recipro... sity...shun.

Truffaldino: Would you like to meet him right now?

Smeraldina: I would relish that a lot... very much.

Truffaldino: I'll be right back, don't go away. (goes into the hotel)

Smeraldina: I thought he was talking about himself. Guess not.

Truffaldino comes back out, bows to Smeraldina, kisses her hand, sighs deeply and goes back in

Truffaldino: (coming out again) Did you see him?

Smeraldina: Who?

Truffaldino: The man who is in love with you... bellezza.

Smeraldina: You're the only one I've seen.

Truffaldino: Mah! (and sighs, then glances sideways)

Smeraldina: Do you mean...?

Truffaldino: (sighing) Me.

Smeraldina: Why didn't you say...?!

Truffaldino: I'm shy.

Smeraldina: (to herself) A rock would fall in love with this guy.

Truffaldino: So... you have anything to say?

Smeraldina: I am... well...

Truffaldino: Say it.

Smeraldina: I'm... I, too, am shy.

Truffaldino: (to himself) If we can get through this introduction, we'll be the shyest couple in Venice.

Smeraldina: And you make me shyer than I am to begin with.

Truffaldino: Are you... inexperienced in... such things?

Smeraldina: Inexperienced? In such things!? Oh! To say the least! Don't even think about it.

Truffaldino: (pause) I'm not sure what comes next.

Smeraldina: What comes next is the easy part.

Truffaldino: I am... totally inexperienced... in... these things.

Smeraldina: Okay, to be honest, I’ve had 50 men, give or take a dozen. But...! Not one of them ever really appealed to me.

Truffaldino: You’ve maybe found someone more appealing, just recently?

Smeraldina: To be completely honest? There's something about you that I... (suddenly afraid) I don't think I can say anymore.

Truffaldino: Now, just suppose, for example, someone was interested in marrying you, for instance, what would he have to do next, this person?

Smeraldina: Marrying? Me? I got no parents. He’d hafta... will have to speak with my padron or perhaps to his daughter.

Truffaldino: That's fine. And just supposing this person were to speak with them, what would they say, do you think?

Smeraldina: They'll say if I'm happy...

Truffaldino: And what would you say to them?

Smeraldina: I'll say... that if they're happy...

Truffaldino: Fine. Everyone'll be happy. Especially us. Especially... (almost kissing, then losing nerve) Gimme that message, I'll take it right in to my padron.

Smeraldina: Eccola.

Truffaldino: (he takes it and is about to go, but...) Um. You don't happen to... know what's in it, do you?

Smeraldina: No. But I been itchin’ to know!

Truffaldino: I wouldn't want it to be some kind of angry, turgid, tumultuous epistle, and I get punched in the nose because of it, you know?

Smeraldina: Yeah, but who knows, it might not even be a love letter.

Truffaldino: I don't know what a letter says, I don't deliver it. It's a matter of personal safety.

Smeraldina: If it was already open... but then, you do whatever you think is... proper.

Truffaldino: It could have gotten mangled at the post office, how would they know?

Smeraldina: Right. Open it.

Truffaldino: You know how to read?

Smeraldina: Sure. Little. But you probably read better.

Truffaldino: Only a little.

Smeraldina: So, between the two of us...

Truffaldino: I'll open it very carefully (he tears off the end)

Smeraldina: What are you doing?!

Truffaldino: I have a special way of fixing it. There. Read it.

Smeraldina: No, you go ahead, first.

Truffaldino: No, you... you'll understand her handwriting better than I will.

They go back and forth like this for awhile, then finally, she looks at the letter.

Smeraldina: To be honest? I don't understand anything.

Truffaldino: (he looks at the letter) Me neither. Not even one word.

Smeraldina: Why’d you open it, then?

Truffaldino: Hold on, I'm an intelligent guy, there must be something I can figure out.

Smeraldina: I recognize a couple of letters.

Truffaldino: Good, we'll do this together, piece by piece. Isn't this an "M"?

Smeraldina: Pffh, no! That's an "R".

Truffaldino: "R" and "M", they look pretty much alike, don’t they?

Smeraldina: Ra, ra.... ra... No, no, you're right, it’s an "M" Ma, ma... man!

Truffaldino: No, that's not "man" it's "rum". It's an "R", you were right. And that's an "M".

Smeraldina: Rum? Why would this letter have "rum" in it?

Truffaldino: Well, it's either "rum" or "ram".

Smeraldina: Put it away.

Truffaldino: Why?

Smeraldina: If it has "ram" in it, we shouldn’t be looking.

Truffaldino: Or maybe "nim"

Smeraldina: What’s "nim"?

Truffaldino: I dunno.

Smeraldina: Maybe it's in code.

Truffaldino: So maybe this is "rum"

Smeraldina: That's "man", not "rum".

Truffaldino: No, this is "man", that’s... That’s... "Jub".

Smeraldina: Jub?

Truffaldino: Jub.

Smeraldina: That’s crazy, where doyaget jub?

Silvio has gravely offended Clarice, and all are now trying to get her to forgive him.

A room in Pantalone's House. Pantalone, il Dottore, Clarice, Silvio, Smeraldina.

Pantalone: Now, Clarice, don't be so stubborn. Silvio didn't mean to piss you off, he just got a little crazy over the idea of losin’ ya. I forgave him for being such a goofball, so you can forgive him, too, can't you? (nothing) Clarice?

Silvio: View your own pain against the background of my suffering, and it will convince you that I am true in love. The mere possibility of losing you threw me into a fury so profound that it drove me near to madness. But destiny itself proclaims our happiness, unless you refuse fortune's gift. (nothing) Clarice, just because you imagine I've offended you...

Dottore: ...If I may, Signorina Clarice, think of what your obstinacy is doing to me, a poor old man, not too well to begin with and about to go crazy unless you...

Smeraldina: ...so he was a monster? All men are monsters when they suspect something. They scream they want us dead, then kiss us. It's just the way they are. (nothing) Okay, look, you get a flu you pinch your nose and you swallow the medicine, right? Well, you gotta marry some guy, someday, so pinch your nose and get it over with.

Pantalone: Hear that? Marriage is medicine. Med-i-cine, not poison. (to the Doctor) I don't think this approach is working.

Dottore: My girl, marriage is neither medicine nor is it poison. Marriage is chocolate cake, maple syrup, a raspberry parfait. Marriage is like a...

Silvio: ...Darling, dearest, sweetest Clarice, I know I deserve your contempt, but please, punish me with words, your silence is destroying me. (nothing) Have you no pity for your poor Silvio?

Clarice: (she sighs, all lean forward... then...) Bastard.

Pantalone: (to the Dottore) Did you hear that little sigh. That's a good sign.

Dottore: (to Silvio) Advance your argument.

Smeraldina: (to herself) That sigh was a torch snuffed out by rain.

Silvio: Were you to say that only the letting of my blood would compensate for my cruelty, that would be justice. But it is not my veins you open to punitive flood, but my eyes! (weeps profoundly)

Pantalone: (clapping) Bravo!

Clarice: (with a sigh as before, but with a little more tenderness) Bastard.

Dottore: (to Pantalone) We almost have a verdict.

Pantalone: Silvio, stand up. Come here. (he takes his hand). You too, sweetheart. My beautiful children, hold hands. Go ahead. To forgive is... what is it? Divine. Right? (they hesitate)

Dottore: Come on...

Smeraldina: Just do it!

Silvio: (reaching for her hand) Clarice, for pity sakes.

Clarice: (pulling away) Scontrone! [peevish man: scon-trohn-eh]

Silvio: My heart is bleeding.

Clarice: Selvaggione! [wildman: sehl-vahj-jyoh-neh]

Silvio: My soul is in anguish.

Clarice: Zoticone! Sciagurato! Buffone! [boor - zoh-tih-ko-neh, wretch - shyah-gur-ah-toh, fool -boof-foh-neh]

Silvio: I'm sick to my stomach.

Clarice: (a big sigh) Ah!

Pantalone: (to himself) Going...

Silvio: Can't you ever forgive me?

Clarice: (a disgusted sigh) Aaah!

Pantalone: ... going...

Clarice: (pause) Alight, I forgive you.

Pantalone: (to himself) Gone!

Dottore: (to Silvio who is standing, dazed and unmoving) Silvio, she's pardoned you.

Smeraldina: It is finished.

Pantalone: (to himself, wiping a tear) Youth. So beautiful.

The lovers finally go to embrace, when...